What Do You Mean By Religious Trauma?

Religious trauma refers to lasting harm to a person’s physical, mental, emotional, social, or spiritual health due to the beliefs or experiences they have had within a religious context. This kind of trauma is oftentimes complex because it generally involves a series of experiences and a system of harmful beliefs rather than a single traumatic event. People who have experienced religious trauma may struggle with low self-esteem, perfectionism, chronic anxiety, shame, depression, lack of trust in self, codependency, and sexual dysfunction.

There are a variety of religious beliefs and experiences that can have detrimental effects on people’s health and well-being. The following list is not meant to be exhaustive, but rather a compilation of some of the most common ways I have seen people negatively impacted by religion. I will mostly be referring to the Christian religion as this is where my personal experience lies.

Harmful Beliefs

-Inherent sinfulness: The belief that we are all inherently sinful by nature can be extremely damaging to self-esteem and self-worth.

-Biblical literalism: The belief that the bible is absolute truth can lead people to trust outside sources over themselves and may prohibit critical thinking skills from fully developing. 

-Purity culture: The belief that sex outside of marriage is sinful can lead to delayed social milestones, sexual immaturity, anxiety around sex, and sexual dysfunction. The belief that women must practice modesty to be worthy can lead women to feel shame if they are not ‘modest enough’ and can help enable rape culture in the church as some men will blame women for tempting them into the act because of their immodesty.

-Traditional gender roles: The belief that men should lead and women should submit has caused many women to feel inferior to men and to question their capabilities and worth. 

-Self-sacrifice: The belief that you should put others before yourself (as Jesus did) can lead to codependent and people-pleasing behaviors where people lack healthy boundaries with others and can hinder the development of a sense of self. 

-The belief that God is omniscient and omnipresent can lead to chronic anxiety and self-consciousness. 

Traumatic Experiences

-There are countless individuals who have been publicly shamed or ostracized from the church for doing something deemed sinful by the community (divorce, abortion, having a child out of wedlock, etc.). This kind of experience can lead to shame, isolation, feelings of worthlessness, depression, and suicidal ideation. 

-Many churches talk often about hell and what could land you there, leading many people (especially children) to feel chronically stressed, anxious, and hyperaware of their every move. Some churches even put on a performance around Halloween (aptly named ‘Judgment House’) where audience members are taken scene by scene through a story where young people die in a tragic accident and are then judged to determine their fate in the afterlife. You are taken to ‘hell’ where the scene is dark and ominous and there are actors pretending to be demons. You end the performance in ‘heaven’ where there are church members dressed in all white waiting to pray with you, using lines like “If you were to die after leaving here tonight, do you know where you’d spend eternity?” to elicit emotional responses from the audience. Church members (including children) are encouraged to participate and invite their non-believer family members and friends to the performance. 

-Many LGBTQ+ folks in the church have been told that they are living a sinful life. Some have been encouraged or forced to go to conversion therapy and to reject their identity. Others have been kicked out of positions in the church or pushed out of the church entirely because of their identity. This experience of marginalization and stigmatization can result in low self-worth, an inability to express oneself authentically, an inability to explore one’s sexuality, and sometimes suicide.  

-Sermons about tithing being a demonstration of your trust in God can be very manipulative and can influence people to put themselves through financial hardship to prove their faith or to avoid feeling guilty about not tithing.

Questions and Concerns

When you are immersed in religion, it can be very difficult to challenge religious thought or religious authorities because you are taught to distrust yourself since you are of a ‘sinful nature’. You are taught to trust the bible and the people who are interpreting the bible for you. You are encouraged to put aside doubt and have faith rather than critical thinking. This can cause religious people to feel they can’t question or challenge what’s happening within the church. Though they may be able to recognize that some of these beliefs and experiences are damaging, they may not feel they are able to challenge the authorities on them. 

When people do begin to challenge religious beliefs and authorities, it can feel very destabilizing. It’s common to feel confused and unanchored as old ways of thinking are shed and a new belief system and identity is built. Some people can go through the process of deconstructing their beliefs and remain religious, while others feel leaving the religion is an imperative part of their healing. Leaving a religion can be a very difficult decision to make, though, as it often comes with the loss of community and identity. A person who leaves their religion may lose friends and loved ones (or at the very least have their relationships altered drastically) as it can be difficult for people who are still part of the religion to handle the way these doubts and questions challenge their own beliefs. This can lead to feeling isolated and alone as you question your core beliefs and try on new ways of thinking.

Recovering From Religious Trauma

Following are some practical steps to work towards healing from the effects of religious trauma:

-Grow your critical thinking skills: Ask all the questions, get as many different viewpoints as possible, learn/read/expose yourself to different ideas, analyze and reflect on the information you gather.

-Learn to trust yourself: Observe and reflect on the feelings and physical sensations that come up in your body, listen to gut feelings, reflect on times when your intuition proved to be right, remind yourself that nobody does life perfectly and that we learn through experience. 

-Set boundaries in relationships: Identify relationships where you feel you betray or overextend yourself, determine how you want to feel in those relationships and what parts of yourself you need to preserve to make that happen, communicate directly and be firm with your boundary. 

-Challenge black and white thinking: Remind yourself that there are rarely only two options in a given situation, seek out nuance everywhere you can, challenge yourself to see how many different options/alternatives there possibly could be.  

-Explore who you are and what you believe: Journal, seek out new experiences, talk to new people, ask questions, go to therapy, observe and reflect on your reactions to new people and experiences.

-Find healthy supports: Seek out communities that are accepting of self-exploration, look into secular groups or groups for people recovering from religion, find a therapist who understands religious trauma.

If you are looking for mental health support as you begin your journey of healing from religious trauma, feel free to reach out to me at tivoli@tivoligardenscounseling.com to discuss working together!

Codependency Explained

What is codependency?

Personal experience has led me to believe that most people have a very loose understanding of codependency. Many people can identify some of the characteristics or behavioral patterns of people who struggle with codependency, but they usually lack awareness around why people adopt these behaviors or what purpose these behaviors are serving for them. There are logical reasons why people engage in codependent behaviors. Understanding these reasons can help those of us who struggle with codependency to see that there are other ways of going about getting our needs met AND can help those of us who don’t struggle with codependency to better support those in our lives who do. 

In her book Codependent No More, Melody Beattie gives a pretty all-encompassing definition of codependency. She says, “A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect them and is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.”

Codependency could look like:

The wife of the alcoholic: She stays with her husband through his addiction, sacrificing her own wants and needs to manage his recovery. She grows in resentment with each additional relapse, complaining that he is the source of her problems, but unwilling to leave him.

The man who has no needs: He will drop everything for anyone (even strangers!) He believes it’s selfish to take care of himself, so he always puts his own wants/needs behind everyone else’s. He anticipates others’ needs and is frustrated that others don’t do the same for him. His needs never get met because he is unwilling to ask for help.

The independent child: She grew up with a single mom that emphasized the importance of self-sufficiency. She learned you must do it all on your own because you can’t trust that others will be there to help. She didn’t learn to ask for help, but she did learn to complain, nag, or manipulate to get what she wanted.

Characteristics of codependency:

-You feel responsible for other people and their well-being, feelings, thoughts, actions, wants, and needs.

-You feel anxious, upset, or guilty when other people have a problem and you feel compelled to help them solve their problem.

-You say yes to things you don’t want to do to make others happy and often neglect your own wants/needs in the process.

-You feel more comfortable giving than receiving.

-Though you have difficulty accepting help (and rarely ask for help), you often get frustrated about how infrequently those around you offer help.

-You feel angry, victimized, unappreciated, and used.

-You blame others for these feelings of frustration.

-You get angry and defensive when others blame or criticize you, though you regularly speak to yourself in these same ways.

-You live based on “shoulds”.

-You feel selfish and guilty when you do things for yourself.

-You think poorly of yourself and feel you need to prove your worth to others.

-You settle for being needed by others because you don’t believe you’re wanted.

-You often seek love from people incapable of loving you, which reinforces the idea that you’re unlovable.

-You obsessively worry about what others think about you.

-You center your life around other people.

-You have trouble letting go of control and allowing things to happen naturally.

-You think you know best about how things should turn out and how people should behave.

-You attempt to control or manipulate events or people through helplessness, guilt, coercion, threats, advice-giving, or manipulation.

-You ask for what you want/need indirectly (sighing, huffing/puffing, nagging)

-You let others hurt you and take advantage of you.

-You stay in relationships that are toxic and harmful to you. 

Why do people become codependent?

There are many different reasons why people develop codependent tendencies. I can’t cover all the reasons here, but I’ll explain a few that I see often so you can better understand why codependent people are the way they are.

The classic codependent is a person who is very close to someone with an addiction (usually a partner, parent, or child). Oftentimes, they learn that their loved one is unreliable, unavailable, and in need of care. They learn to cater to their loved one’s needs and deny their own. They lose themselves as they begin orbiting their lives around their loved one. They forget their sense of worth and doubt their sense of self. They resent their loved one for taking so much from them but they don’t leave the situation. They’ve put so much into this relationship and it can’t all be for nothing. They didn’t make all those sacrifices in vain! Their loved one will change. They will help change their loved one. Then everything will be better.

Sometimes the above situation happens without an addiction. Substitute the person struggling with an addiction with a person struggling with an eating disorder, a chronic physical ailment, or severe health/mental health issue and you can get the same codependent situation. People in close relationship with those who struggle with these severe health/mental health issues often adopt codependent tendencies in an attempt to care for their loved one through their illness.

We can also learn codependent behaviors in childhood through the way we’re socialized and taught to engage with others. If you grew up in a super religious home, codependent tendencies may have been revered by those around you. You may have been taught it was honorable to put others before yourself and deny your own desires. You may have learned that you don’t turn your back on family and you never leave a marriage. You may have learned that your purpose is to serve others and unconditionally love. These beliefs are not inherently wrong or bad, but they can lead to (and perpetuate) codependent behaviors.

Little girls are often taught to be polite, kind, submissive, and nurturing. They learn that “good girls” do as they’re told and don’t make waves. Maybe they see mom doing this as well (especially in religious homes where women are expected to submit to their husbands). They learn that “good girls” are to be appreciative of what they get and are to not ask for more. Maybe they see dad come home from work to sit on the couch and watch TV while mom comes home from work to tend to the kids, the house, and dinner. Mom never asks for help and doesn’t expect help, but is very appreciative on the rare occasion that dad does offer even the tiniest bit of help. Girls learn to take on the majority of the caretaking responsibilities and the responsibilities around the house because this is seen as “women’s work.” Women who challenge this are often seen as difficult. Good little girls take on all of these responsibilities and do them dutifully as they’ve been taught.

Little boys are often taught to be strong and heroic. They learn that there are people who need rescuing and that they can be the hero of these people’s stories. Maybe they see how dad always swoops in to fix or solve problems for everyone around him. He’s known to drop everything to help a friend or person in need; how selfless and admirable! What little boy wouldn’t want to be the hero of the story?

People often learn codependent traits from their parents or other caregivers. If mom nags, complains, or emotionally manipulates to get her needs met or desires fulfilled, you may learn to do that as well. If dad talks about how incapable other people are and how important it is for you to be able to do everything on your own without the help of others, you may learn to do that as well. We learn a lot from our caregivers and it can be very enlightening to reflect on the messages we were taught in our childhood to see how they affect us today. 

So, how do I stop engaging in codependent behaviors?

Develop a sense of self-worth: People who lack a strong sense of self-worth are more susceptible to codependent tendencies because they believe others are more worthy of getting their wants/needs met than they are. When you believe you are worthy of getting your wants/needs met, you will stop denying them and start addressing them. 

Set boundaries: People with codependent tendencies often have very loose boundaries, if any at all. They may have had boundaries at some point in time, but they have slowly deteriorated as they have learned to put up with more and more poor treatment from those around them. They allow themselves to be taken advantage of by not saying no and always saying yes. Learning to say no is crucial to ending codependent behavior. You must be able to set the boundaries you need to take care of yourself. Other people’s needs are not more important than your needs. It is not your responsibility to take care of other people. It is your responsibility to take care of yourself.

Ask for what you need directly: I know you’ve been taught it’s not okay to ask for what you want or need. You probably cringe at the thought of asking for help. I get it. But the easiest way to get what you want is to ask for it. Directly. Not by huffing and puffing or complaining about how you have so much to do and nobody to help you. This is annoying. And unhelpful. Challenge the beliefs that perpetuate these behaviors. Humble yourself and ask for help. I know it’s hard, but it’s the only way.

Stay in your lane: Stop taking on responsibility for things that aren’t your responsibility. If someone is upset, those are their feelings to deal with. If someone has a problem, that’s their problem to deal with. Challenge your behaviors and ask yourself: Am I really helping others by saving them? Is it helpful to save someone from experiencing the consequences of their behavior? Or will that just enable them to repeat the behavior again? Would it be more helpful for them to experience the consequences so they can learn to not engage in that behavior again? Sometimes rescuing people is more harmful than it is helpful. 

As someone who has struggled with codependency in the past, I know how difficult it can be to squash these behaviors. The beliefs that perpetuate these behaviors can be deeply ingrained. I’d recommend finding a therapist to help you examine these beliefs so that you can begin to weaken your codependent tendencies. If you’re in Lexington, KY, I’d be more than happy to help! 

How To Stop Fighting (So Much) With Your Partner : Relationship Therapy

Why We Fight

Fights between couples are inevitable; they’re going to happen. The closer we get to people, the greater the expectations we have for them. Which also means the greater the opportunities for them to let us down. In our current culture, we depend on our partner to meet most of our needs (physical, emotional, intellectual, spiritual, etc.) in a very similar way to how we depended on our parents to meet most of our needs when we were younger. That attachment/bond/dependence is strong and any hint of a rupture to that attachment is jarring. We get emotional when we perceive the attachment bond to be threatened in any way because it’s incredibly important to us. If we didn’t care about our partner, we probably wouldn’t waste our emotional energy on them.

Fighting To Combat Disconnection

Just as with our parents, we want our partners to answer three big questions for us with an emphatic yes. These questions help us feel secure in our connection to our partner. If they don’t answer these questions with an emphatic yes, we doubt our connection to them and we feel insecure in the relationship.

These questions are:

1.    Are you there for me? 

2.    Can I count on you?

3.    Do I matter to you?

When we perceive any hint of a no or a maybe not, we respond in the way we learned to respond in our childhood to perceived threats to our attachment bonds. This usually looks one of two ways: a protest or a retreat. Which means you either have two partners protesting, two partners retreating, or one partner protesting and one partner retreating.

How We Fight

Two Protestors 

Partner 1: “I have to stay late at work tonight.”

Partner 2: “Again?!”

Partner 1: “Well, someone has to make money!”

Partner 2: “You’re the one who wanted me to stay home to watch the kids!”

Partner 1: “Well, you’re the one who wanted to have kids in the first place!”…

One partner protests because they don’t feel connected and they don’t know how to ask for what they need to reconnect. The other protests back because they feel attacked and if they hadn’t already felt disconnected, they definitely do now. And on and on it goes.

Two Retreaters

Partner 1 inner dialogue: “My partner is going to be so disappointed in me for staying late at work again, I better just avoid them tonight.”

Partner 2 inner dialogue: “My partner must stay at work so late to avoid spending time with me, I guess I’ll just figure things out around here on my own so I don’t burden them further.”

The disconnection scares us, but we don’t believe there’s a point in protesting it because of the stories we have in our heads about how our partner feels about us. Our partner’s retreat causes us to believe our partner does not care about us and then we retreat out of fear. Our retreat causes the other to further retreat and then we’re more disconnected than we could ever imagine.

One Protestor And One Retreater

Partner 1: “I have to work another late night tonight.”

Partner 2: “Do you have any idea how much stress that puts on me?!”

Partner 1: “I’ll be home as soon as I can.”

Partner 2: “You just never think about how your actions affect me!”

Partner 1: *Comes home with feelings of inadequacy and quietly tries to avoid angry partner*

One partner is feeling overwhelmed and can’t communicate what they need to their partner without intense emotion, the other partner gets overwhelmed by the intense emotion and retreats to a safe place, their retreat causes the protestor to feel even more disconnected, which causes them to protest even more and round and round we go.

How do you respond to a perceived rupture in your attachment bond?

Do you find yourself protesting or retreating? Do you see you and your partner in any of these scenarios? Do you want to know how to step out of the cycle that further exacerbates the disconnection so that you can repair the connection in a loving way?

How to step out of these cycles of disconnection:

Vulnerability! Yes, it sounds too simple to be true, but I really do believe it’s the answer. The only way to step out of one of these nasty cycles is to communicate your needs in a way that isn’t going to trigger your partner in the way you always trigger them. You have to choose to admit that you feel disconnected and scared.

Examples of how this may look:

“When you work late, I feel super overwhelmed by the kids and I don’t feel supported by you. I’m wondering if there’s a way we can resolve this.”

“When you don’t spend time with me when you get home, I feel you don’t care about me. I want to feel closer to you.”

“When you criticize me, it makes me feel like I’m a disappointment to you and causes me to want to move away from you. I want to be close but it’s scary for me when you say the things you do to me.”

These kind of statements are much more likely to get a kind, compassionate response from your partner than a protest or a retreat. Don’t believe me? Try it for yourself. 

Imposter Syndrome : Anxiety and Doubt About New Roles

What is imposter syndrome?

Have you ever taken on a new role that felt beyond your skill set? Maybe it was a new role in your family (stepping into parenthood or becoming a caretaker for an elderly parent) or a new role at work (getting a promotion, changing jobs, starting your own business). If you felt like you weren’t good enough to fulfill this new role you were given, you experienced imposter syndrome. Imposter syndrome is when we doubt our skills and abilities and feel undeserving of the roles we have. We fear that others will find out how inadequate we are and we often can feel lots of anxiety as a result.

Who struggles with imposter syndrome?

Not everybody struggles with imposter syndrome, but I’ll tell you a little secret about those who do… those people are the ones doing risky things. They’re trying things that feel a little scary and they’re putting themselves out there for potential rejection or failure. They’re taking a step out of their comfort zone and into their growth zone. They’re choosing to not be stagnant because they know there’s a lot to learn and they want to learn so they can be better.

What does it mean if I struggle with imposter syndrome?

You are taking a risk

If you struggle with imposter syndrome, I’d like to take a second to congratulate you for doing something that feels scary. You don’t feel like a fraud when you’re doing something you’re good at or something you’ve done a million times before. You feel like a fraud when you’re doing something new and difficult. So good on you for stepping up to the plate and trying something new and difficult.

You are learning

You feel like a fraud because you know you don’t know everything. But neither does anybody else! It’s easy to feel inadequate when you think about all the growth/learning that lies ahead, but don’t forget about the growth/learning that you’ve already been through to get where you are today!

You are comparing

It’s easy to feel inadequate when you compare yourself to people who have experience in the role you’re in. Of course you’re going to feel like you’re terrible at your new job when you compare your work to the work of your coworker who’s been doing the job for three decades. You can’t compare apples to oranges.

What can I do to combat imposter syndrome?

Acknowledge your strength

Congratulate yourself for stepping up to the challenge and doing something hard. Remind yourself of the strength it takes to step out of your comfort zone. Make a list of all the other strengths you have that equip you for your role. Give yourself credit for the things you’re good at. Acknowledge all the learning you’ve done to get you where you are today (school, reading, classes, inner work, etc.).

Compare yourself fairly

If you are going to compare yourself, compare yourself fairly. Compare yourself to the community at large. I bet if you’re a new mother, you know a lot more about motherhood than I do because I’ve never had a child. I bet if you’re a lawyer, you know a lot more about law than I’ll ever know because I’ve never been to law school. Even if you feel like you’re the worst at whatever you’re doing, remember that you probably have a lot more skills and experience to handle what you’ve got in front of you than the average person. There is a reason you’re in the position you’re in and you can’t forget that!

Talk it out

If you talk to other people who have been where you’re at today, they almost certainly felt the same way you do right now. Imposter syndrome is super normal and most people feel it at some point when they’re trying new things that are hard. Voice your doubt and insecurity to friends, family members, or mentors you can trust. They’ll most likely tell you they felt the same way you did when they were starting out. It’s normal. Nobody expects you to be perfect or to know everything when you’re starting out, so stop expecting that of yourself. Give yourself some grace.

Imposter syndrome can be extra difficult for people struggling with anxiety or those who have tendencies towards perfectionism. If you need extra help dealing with any of these things, schedule a counseling appointment today. 

How To Online Date Successfully | 9 Tips For Better Dating Experiences

If you’ve ever tried online dating, you probably know that it can make you feel like you’re on an emotional rollercoaster. One minute you’re feeling great because you just got a sweet message from a new match and the next you’re feeling like shit because you realize you’ve definitely been ghosted by the person you went out with a few days ago. Online dating doesn’t have to be so emotional, though. It can be a really enjoyable experience that can help you get your needs/wants/desires met without making you crazy. All you need to do is approach it with an open mind and…

Get clear about what you want from online dating

There are lots of reasons why people turn to online dating. Some people online date with the intentions of finding someone to marry. Some people online date as a way to find friendly people to do fun activities with. Some people online date to find someone to fulfill physical or emotional desires. Some people are looking for a lifelong partner while others are just looking for a tennis partner. All of these reasons for online dating are wonderful and valid, but in order to be successful in finding what you want, you must get clear about what you want.

Be clear about what you want from online dating

Once you know what you want from online dating, be clear about it! If you’re just looking for someone to play tennis with, it’s perfectly okay to put in your profile “just looking for a tennis partner!” Stating what you want is always the easiest way to get what you want. Being unclear will only create more work for you because you’ll have to weed through a bunch of people that don’t even like tennis. If you state what you want and someone isn’t into it, then that person probably isn’t for you.

Don’t take things personally

It’s kind of a bummer when people don’t like tennis or don’t want to play tennis with me, but I don’t take it personally. I remind myself that they’ve probably had a bad experience with the game or they don’t feel like they’re good enough to play the game with me. I also remember that sometimes I don’t like playing tennis with certain people because they don’t feel like a very good match for me. It doesn’t mean I don’t like them, it just means I don’t want to play tennis with them. Not every person you meet up with will be able to fulfill your needs or desires. And that’s okay. It doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t like you. It may just mean that they don’t like you enough to want to spend every day for the rest of their life with you.

Have realistic expectations

If you’re looking for a tennis partner, know that not everybody who plays tennis will be a good match for you. If you’re looking for a lifelong partner, know that even less people would be a good match for you. Online dating is a process and it takes time. You must have patience.

Don’t put so much pressure on the date

Even if you’re looking for a lifelong partner, a first date is supposed to be casual! All you’re doing is getting to know another person. No reason to be nervous or stressed. If you get along, great! If not, move along. This isn’t some kind of performance or competition; it’s a human interaction.

Check in with yourself

Are you enjoying the conversation or the interaction? People are often worried about how the other person is experiencing them, but your experience matters too! If you aren’t having a wonderful time, it’s okay to leave the date early or decline another hangout.

Set boundaries

People are so afraid to set boundaries, but boundaries are wonderful! Boundaries help everyone understand where the comfort zone is and where it is not. When you set a boundary, people will either respect it or they won’t. If they don’t, leave the situation as quickly as possible because this person does not and will not respect you. If they do, your boundary worked and you can feel safe and comfortable and respected!

Be open-minded

If you’re unsure about someone after a first date, give them another shot! Some people get really nervous on first dates and it might take them a little bit to calm down and act like a normal human. Also, things you think are deal-breakers aren’t always deal-breakers. You may come around to that country accent or find a soft spot for that Chihuahua.

Own who you are and know your worth

Don’t ever hide parts of who you are to appeal to someone else. If someone isn’t accepting of you as a whole person, they don’t deserve to be in a relationship with you. You are a unique, wonderful human who deserves to be loved fully and there are people out there who will love you fully if you’ll allow them. But you have to show up to be seen. And you have to own every part of yourself (even the messy parts) to be fully loved.

Sometimes it’s hard to talk about the trials and tribulations of dating. It can feel really vulnerable to talk about feeling rejected or not deserving of love. If you need a safe space to process through these feelings, therapy is a great option! If you’re in Kentucky, schedule an appointment with me! If you’re somewhere else, watch this video on how to choose a therapist! 

How To Combat Seasonal Depression | 9 Ways to Better Manage Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)

‘Tis the season for seasonal depression and you’re certainly not the only one feeling it. Many people get the winter blues when the weather turns and it’s not uncommon to feel extra down this time of year. Luckily, I’ve got your back and have a few tips and tricks to fight that seasonal depression when it comes around. 

Get Cozy : Hygge

My least favorite thing about winter is the cold. Being cold makes my body tense and feeling tense is the least relaxing thing in the world. Being cozy is super relaxing, though, and the best time to get cozy is during the winter. The Danes use the word hygge to describe the coziness of the season. To embody hygge, let the cold be an excuse to stay inside and relax after a long year. Allow yourself to rest and restore your energy. Buy some warm clothes and fuzzy socks to keep away the cold. Cuddle up with a blanket and a fun book. Light a candle and put on some soothing music. Do whatever feels warm and comforting to you.

Get Into Your Senses : Mindfulness

We often find ourselves with more free time on our hands in the winter because most of us spend less time outside the house when it’s cold. This can cause us to get in our heads even more than we usually do, which can exacerbate any anxiety and/or depression we’re already feeling. Instead of ruminating on the past or worrying about the future with that free time, try tuning in to the present with mindfulness by getting into your senses. Do something that engages only one of your senses or do something that engages all of your senses. Put on some essential oils, listen to ASMR, meditate, pet something fuzzy or furry, pay attention to all the flavors in your food. When you’re focused on the sensations you’re experiencing in the present, you don’t give your mind the time or space to spiral further into your depression.

Get Into Your Body : Stretch, Dance, Yoga, Massage

Another thing you can do to get out of your head is to get in to your body. Some people have a hard time with this one because they have negative beliefs about being in their body, but I’m telling you, if you can embrace your body and feel your body, it’s one of the most magical feelings in the world. Stretching was the catalyst that got me back into my body and I have raved about it ever since because of the wonderful feelings it’s led me to. If you don’t stretch, I’d strongly recommend it. You’ll realize your body has been trying to communicate with you by sending you aches, pains, and discomforts. Your body wants to be moved and touched. You’re allowed to move and touch it in whatever way feels good to you. Stretch, dance, practice yoga or give yourself a massage! It’s amazing how good you can make yourself feel just by loving on your body a little.

Get Light : Vitamin D

If the sun is shining, try to get outside! We need Vitamin D and many people are Vitamin D deficient during the wintertime. If you can’t bear the cold or the sun isn’t shining, try getting some Vitamin D supplements or invest in a Happy Light to supplement for sunshine.

Get Some Responsibilities : Plants Or A Pet

It’s easy to stay cozy in bed all day when it’s freezing outside and you don’t have any responsibilities to tend to, but staying in bed all day will likely make your depression worse. How do you feel when you realize it’s 5pm and you’re still in your pajamas in bed, not having moved all day except to get food or go to the bathroom? Yeah, usually not great. If you have things to take care of like plants or pets, you’re forced to get yourself out of bed to take care of these living things! And then you know what usually happens? You realize that the plant looks happier when you give it the nutrients it needs and the dog jumps for joy when he gets to move his body around outside. And then you realize you’re happier when you do these things, too. So you begin to take care of yourself as well.

Get Out Of The House : Find Events Around Town

If I spend too long in my house, I begin to feel trapped. It’s good to get out and about and there are tons of holiday events you can go to around town if you need to escape your home. Check out Facebook events for things going on around town or join a group on Meetup.com to make new friends and/or try new activities.

Get Social : Invite Friends Over For Cozy Nights In

Too many people neglect their social life in the winter months. People really don’t like getting out in the cold, but isolating ourselves from our friends for a whole season is much worse than exposing ourselves to the cold every once in a while. But if you really can’t stand the thought of getting out of the house, make the fun come to you! Plan a board game night, host a wine and paint event with the girls, cook dinner with friends, bake holiday cookies with your neighbors, or throw a holiday party with fancy drinks. Just get some friends over to your house and have yourselves a good old time.

Get A New Hobby : Cooking, Baking, Crafting, Music-Making

‘Tis the season for indoor hobbies! Print out those Pinterest recipes and craft instructions, head to your local grocery and/or craft store, and get to cooking (or crafting). Almost all of my hobbies have been born out of winter boredom and I’m so thankful when winter is in full force because it always reminds me to get back in touch with my creative side. I often neglect my ukulele and crafts throughout the year, but come winter, we reunite with a passion. There’s really nothing like the flow you get into when you’re being creative. Creative flow is also the pinnacle of mindfulness for me. Get into your flow with a new hobby.

Get Therapy : Talking To Someone Can Help

Sometimes you need more than just some stretching and a new hobby to get you out of your funk. Maybe it’s not coping skills you’re lacking… maybe it’s a pain or hurt you haven’t yet dealt with rising back up or a loss you haven’t grieved coming back around. Therapy can help you process through these things and find some healing from your pain. If you’ve never tried it, I’d highly recommend it!

In the Lexington, KY area and interested in starting therapy? Book an appointment with me! Not in the Lexington area but wanting to start therapy and not sure where to look? Check out my blog post on how to choose a therapist

How To Choose A Therapist : What To Know Before You Go To Therapy

So you want to start therapy but have no idea where to begin? 

You want help but you’re not sure what kind, you have insurance but you don’t know if it covers mental health services, and you’ve heard of CBT but it’s just another acronym to you. Don’t worry; I’m here to help walk you through all that today! Choosing a therapist can be a daunting task, but it doesn’t have to be. If you’re prepared with the right information, it can be a simple and painless process.

The first thing you need to do when starting this process is reflect on why you’re seeking help. Ask yourself: What do I want from therapy? Take some time on this one. Are you looking for a solution to a problem? Wanting to develop coping skills to better deal with life’s difficulties? Or hoping to gain insight into deep-rooted thought and behavior patterns that have been tripping you up? All of these things are wonderful, but it’s important to get specific on what you want so you can find the best therapist to help you work towards your goals for therapy.

Brief Therapy Versus Depth Therapy

If you’re seeking therapy because you want to find a solution to a problem or develop coping skills to better deal with a problem, you probably want to look for a therapist who practices some kind of brief therapy such as solution focused brief therapy or CBT. These therapies are focused on finding solutions to problems and therapists who practice this way are often more directive, giving you practical tools to deal with whatever you’re dealing with and make it better quickly.

If you’re seeking therapy because you want to gain insight into why you feel and act the way you do so that you can address your issues at the core, a depth-oriented therapy would probably be a better fit for you. A few examples of depth therapies are psychodynamic, existential-humanistic, gestalt, psychoanalytic, and Jungian. These types of therapies often explore patterns of thoughts and behaviors with curiosity around their origins. The idea is that when we’re able to gain insight into why we engage in certain thought and behavior patterns, we will realize our power and ability to change these patterns. This kind of therapy generally takes much longer than brief therapy but often results in longer-lasting improvements.

To help you understand… client presents with social anxiety:

Therapist A (Solution-focused therapist) approaches by: helping the client change their thoughts about how others perceive them and develop anxiety-reducing skills or behaviors (think relaxing breathing techniques or self-affirmations).

Therapist B (Insight-oriented therapist) approaches by: exploring the origin of the client’s social anxiety and digging in to some of their beliefs around how others perceive them. Deep-seated and long-held beliefs are often challenged and new perspectives are presented and explored.

*Most therapists integrate many theoretical orientations/approaches into their practice, so it’s likely that a therapist would say they practice both brief and depth therapies. Therapists often tailor their theoretical approach to what they feel is the best fit for their client and many times this incorporates elements of both solution-focused and insight-oriented therapies.

**If you know for sure you don’t want to talk about childhood trauma or your relationship with mom and dad, don’t go to a depth or insight-oriented therapist. 

***If you want more than just tips, tricks, and skills to better cope with what you’ve got going on, don’t go to a strictly solution-focused therapist.

Insurance Versus Private Pay

I get it, you have insurance (and you pay an arm and a leg for it every month), so you want to use it! Unfortunately, it’s not always that simple when it comes to mental health care. We live in a country where there’s a lot of money to be made off of sick people and not a lot of money put towards helping people stay well. Insurance providers only want to cover what is absolutely necessary medically to keep you alive (but maybe not thriving), so therapy isn’t always something that’s covered.

I want to help you make an informed decision on how you choose to pay for therapy, so I created this handy diagram to guide you through the decision-making process (because it’s a lot more involved than people think it is). I know it looks confusing, but this is as simple as I could make it. More detailed information following the diagram to help you better understand and make a decision about your payment method.

Counseling for: a mental health disorder or personal growth?

Go back to your motivation for seeking therapy. Are you seeking therapy because you’re hardly making it through the day and life is super unmanageable? If that’s the case, chances are you’ll meet criteria for a mental health disorder. This is something insurance will cover if your plan covers mental health care (not all plans do). In order for insurance to pay for your therapy, you must receive a diagnosis of pathology. If life is pretty manageable but you’re wanting to go to therapy because you know things could be better if you put some work in, insurance isn’t going to pay. Self-improvement and personal growth are not considered medical necessities and therefore are not covered by insurance.*

*You can try to use your insurance for this, but it puts your therapist in an awkward and ethically sticky spot where they either have to tell you they’re unwilling to give you a diagnosis because they don’t feel you meet criteria or they have to stretch the truth a little to prove to your insurance provider that you need this service.

I think I may qualify for a mental health disorder, should I use my insurance?

Maybe. A few things to consider before you decide one way or the other. First off, are you okay with a mental health diagnosis being on your permanent health record? A few reasons you might not want that: could disqualify you from life insurance (a diagnosis of depression causes you to be seen as more at-risk for suicide) or cause your premiums to be higher than what they normally would be, could cause you to be denied from the military or security clearances, and you could potentially be treated differently by health professionals (or whoever else has access to your medical record) because of the diagnosis you have been given. If these are concerning to you, you may want to avoid going the insurance route. If these things aren’t concerning to you, insurance could be a great option.

What will my insurance cover?

To find out what kind of mental health coverage your insurance plan provides, you can call the number on the back of your insurance card to inquire about coverage. Some insurance providers don’t cover any mental health services, so if that’s the case, you’ll need to pay out of pocket for services and leave the insurance company out of it.

Some insurance providers require you to reach your deductible before they begin paying for any part of your therapy, so if this is the case for you, it’s important to know what you’re deductible is and whether you think you’re going to meet the deductible at some point throughout the year. Many people are on plans with super high deductibles that they never meet and these people may be better off choosing to not use insurance because their insurance most likely won’t be kicking in anyways.

Some insurance plans only require you to pay a co-pay (and they pay the rest) when you see a therapist, and this is usually when it is most beneficial to utilize your insurance. Ask your insurance provider what your co-pay for counseling services is so that you know what you’re getting yourself into financially.

Some insurance plans will cover a portion of out-of-network care. Ask your insurance provider if you have any out of network benefits, as you may be able to get reimbursed for part of your therapy cost even if your provider doesn’t accept your insurance. Your therapist will need to provide you with a superbill or receipt of services to send in to your insurance company for reimbursement and this is something that most therapists are willing to do if you ask.

I don’t think I’m eligible to utilize my insurance for therapy, but I don’t think I can afford privately paying a therapist. Help! 

Therapy can be expensive and not everybody can afford the going rate of a weekly counseling session. Luckily, therapists understand this and many are accommodating of people who can’t afford the full fee. Some therapists offer a sliding scale fee schedule to accommodate clients with financial constraints and those who don’t offer this are often able to refer you to someone who is within your price range. You can also pay for therapy with an HSA or FSA account if you have one of those, which is pre-tax dollars. Also, don’t be afraid to rearrange or eliminate some of your daily, weekly, or monthly expenses to free up some cash for therapy. Making more home-cooked meals and cutting out alcohol or other unnecessary luxuries never hurt anyone that I know. Plus, the more you actively value your personal growth, the more growth usually happens.

Okay, I think I know what kind of therapy I want to do and how I want to pay… what now? 

The fun part… now you get to look for a therapist! Psychology Today is a great place to go to find a therapist as the majority of counselors/therapists are on this site. For that reason, I’ll mainly focus on Psychology Today’s features but I would also like to give a shoutout to a new therapist directory site called Therapy Den because the search options are way better than Psychology Today’s in my opinion. There aren’t nearly as many therapists on it yet since it’s new, but it’s a wonderful site that’s focused on social justice and inclusivity, so if you’re looking for a therapist who is especially open to minority groups or oppressed individuals, this is a good site to check out.

 If you type in counselor/counseling/therapist/therapy and your city and state, chances are Psychology Today will be one of the first sites listed, which is why most therapists are on this site. If you look at the search tools, you can filter therapists by specialties, approaches, gender, faith, ages they work with, insurances they take, languages they speak, and sexualities they’re comfortable working with. Most everything but the price of the session (which irks me because I think health professionals need to be up front about the price you’re going to have to pay for their services- but that’s for another time).

Filter out therapists based on whatever’s important to you. If your sexual identity is important to you, make sure you find a therapist who is affirming of that. If you want someone of the same faith, filter for that. If you’re struggling with a specific issue, look at who specializes in that in your area. If you’re looking for someone to help you develop skills to better deal with life’s obstacles, pick someone who seems competent and sounds like they know what they’re doing. If you’re looking for someone to help you explore the depths of your soul, pick someone you think you could connect and be vulnerable with. This is the fun part. Shop around. This is a huge decision. You’re about to choose someone to walk with you on your journey to becoming a happier, healthier you.

If you’re unsure about whether a therapist would be a good fit, ask them whatever questions you need answered so that you can feel confident about going into your first session. Therapists know that first sessions can be scary and most are willing to do a short phone consultation or at least answer whatever questions you have via email to make you feel more comfortable with beginning therapy. If a therapist doesn’t get back to you after you reach out to them, they may not have enough time in their schedule for new clients. Don’t let that discourage you, there are lots of options! And if you had a first session with someone and it didn’t go well, you don’t have to go back! You’re allowed to try out therapists for good fit and you don’t need to feel committed to the first one you try.

Happy hunting!

If you’re in the Lexington, KY area and looking for insight-oriented depth therapy, I might be your girl! I don’t do insurance but I have a very reasonable (at least in my opinion) sliding scale ranging from $60-$100. I especially love working with young adults in transition but I also specialize in working with those struggling with eating disorders and addictions if that’s something you’re looking for. Shoot me an email if you’re thinking about therapy or go ahead and book an appointment if you’re ready to get started!

Why Should I Go To Therapy? Benefits Of Therapy

The Destigmatization of Therapy

It’s a really cool time to be a therapist. People are excited about therapy and not afraid to let others know about it. Instead of therapy being seen as this thing that ‘only crazy people do’, therapy is now this thing that all kinds of people do and find value in. I’m loving it and so appreciative of everyone helping to destigmatize therapy! To those of you who aren’t on board yet, I want to talk about some of the reasons why I personally love therapy and how I find it to be beneficial in my own life (yes, therapists have therapists, too!).

Benefits of Therapy

Therapy offers a space without judgment

Ever wanted to tell someone about the feelings you had after that threesome or your shifting views on religion or those resentments against your parents that have been popping up? It’s hard to know how your mom or significant other or friends might respond to these things, but it’s your therapist’s job to respond without judgment. And with as many stories as they’ve heard in the therapy room, your desires, impulses, and feelings are more than likely not outrageous or crazy or judgment worthy to them like you think they are. 

Therapy makes you feel normal

Therapists have a way of normalizing everything. It’s almost annoying sometimes. Sometimes you want to feel special or bad or wild and your therapist will tell you, “nah girl, I see this all the time.” Therapists are privileged to lots of different stories that the average person isn’t privileged to. They know how normal it is to resent your parents or cheat on your significant other or use illicit substances; they won’t be surprised by your story.
*If you like feeling special, therapy isn’t for you

Therapy gives you space to sort things out with an unbiased observer/facilitator

If you talk to your friends and family about some of the things you talk about in therapy, chances are, they will have an opinion about what you should do or how you should act (and they will make this opinion known). This makes sense because they are directly affected by some of the decisions you make. The great thing about therapists is that they don’t really benefit from trying to sway you in a certain way like those close to you may, so it’s easier for them to have an unbiased opinion on the situation. Also, most therapists will keep their opinions to themselves unless directly asked (and then maybe they’ll share what they think with you *if they think it will be helpful). Sometimes a space to process without interruptions or unsolicited advice is all you need.

Therapy helps you grow in self-awareness

You realize you’ve been perpetuating patterns of thinking and behaving because of beliefs you developed in childhood (or adulthood). You no longer say, “this is just the way I am” because for the first time, you recognize that you have a hand in choosing. You learn that you can believe differently and you can choose differently, which allows you to begin taking action towards change.

Therapy can help you get unstuck or think about things from a different perspective

With the self-awareness you gain in therapy, you begin to think about things differently. You begin to see that the hurt others have caused you came from a place of pain within them. You empathize with others as you recognize that we’re all doing the best we can with the tools we’ve got. You develop compassion for yourself as you acknowledge that you learned your behavior from others who were hurt and in pain. But, you recognize that you don’t have to continue the cycle of hurt. You see the alternatives you have and acknowledge that you have a choice in continuing a harmful pattern that leads to more pain or beginning a new pattern that leads to life.

Therapy is a place you can feel seen and heard

No interruptions. No one-upping. No fighting for space to speak. A place to share your true thoughts, desires, hopes and dreams. To have these things validated and honored. A place to share your deepest pains, fears, and worries. To have these things acknowledged and held. It’s a beautiful space full of wonderful possibility.

Interested in therapy?

I’m constantly overwhelmed by the work my clients do in and out of the therapy room and I’m totally inspired by the freedom, joy, and authenticity they gain through our work together. If you’re interested in seeing how therapy could open you up to new possibilities, schedule a first session with me! If finances are an issue, contact me and I’ll see if we can work something out. There’s no reason to hold off on finding more freedom, joy, and authenticity in life; do it today!

How Does Trauma Affect a Person? Anxiety, Depression, Addiction, Eating Disorders

What Is Trauma?

As part of an initial intake at my old job, I was required to ask new clients if they had undergone any kind of trauma in their lifetime. After doing these intakes over and over again, I realized that people don’t really know what trauma is and they don’t really understand how deeply their trauma has affected them. I believe trauma is at the root of most mental health issues, so today I’ll be talking about what trauma is and how it manifests in our lives post-trauma.  

I’m sure there are tons of working definitions for trauma out there, but for today’s purposes:

Trauma is any kind of event or experience that is significantly physically or emotionally threatening or harmful.

This could include a lot of different experiences, including (but not limited to):

• Birth (both the act of giving birth and the event of being birthed)

• A medical procedure or surgery

• A divorce (for adults or for the children of the adults)

• Loss (of a job, pet, family member or friend)

• Violence (witnessing violence or being violated)

• Miscarriage

• Sexual assault

• Childhood neglect or abuse

• Psychological manipulation or coercion (through cults or religions)

• Being bullied by peers

• Being shamed by authority figures

I could go on and on, but the point is that trauma encompasses so much more than just physical or sexual abuse (which is what we usually focus on). You may not feel your dog’s death counts as a trauma, but if it significantly shook you and caused you to feel negatively about your ability to care for another living being to the point that the thought of having kids now terrifies you because if you can’t take care of a dog you sure as hell can’t take care of a kid… I would consider that a trauma. Just because something might not look like a trauma on the surface, doesn’t mean it’s not a trauma. If an event or experience in the past is causing you to act in defense and out of fear in the present, you may be acting out of a trauma.

What does it look like to be acting out of a trauma?

Anxiety as a manifestation of trauma

Anxiety is a message our body sends us to alert us about a potential threat in our environment. Anxiety says, “PAY ATTENTION, YOUR LIFE MIGHT BE AT STAKE!” When we are exposed to life-threatening situations, our body remembers this. It notes: almost got attacked (or did get attacked) while walking through sketchy neighborhood at night, will remember to avoid similar situations in the future in order to stay alive. Whatever stimuli you were exposed to in your near-death situation can then be determined by your body as potentially threatening. So in turn, that neighborhood, the smells and sounds of the night, the clothing of the attacker, etc. can be stored away in your emotional memory as potentially dangerous and worthy of an anxiety response if encountered again. This is your body trying to protect you from future threats. The problem comes when we’re exposed to life-threatening situations often. I’m sure you can imagine if you have lots of situations like these, your body will begin to believe there is threat everywhere and respond appropriately with anxiety. This may result in feeling anxious when exposed to seemingly benign stimuli such as certain materials of clothing or certain smells. These things may alert us to a real threat, but oftentimes they just happen to be a random part of the trauma scenario you endured that actually isn’t a very good predictor of threat. If it snowed on the day you were nearly shot by a mass shooter, it doesn’t mean that snow is a good predictor of threat, but your body may respond to it in such a way because of the way it is stored in your emotional memory. Enough of these memories and we will begin to see threat (and experience anxiety) everywhere.

Depression as a manifestation of trauma

Depression is also a message from our body and it says, “something’s not right here; something needs to change.” It’s an adaptive message that’s supposed to help us get to a better environment where we can thrive, but sometimes we feel helpless in our ability to do anything but accept our crumby circumstances. When we have been traumatized in any way, we feel powerless. When we have been traumatized repeatedly, this feeling is incredibly exacerbated. If you are constantly being put in situations where you are powerless, you will begin to believe that your power is small or non-existent. You will learn to accept this fact and accept your situation as it is, miserable as it may be. Believing you are powerless to change your situation renders you stuck in your depression until you gain an ounce of strength or belief in your strength to make change.

Disassociation as a manifestation of trauma

Traumatic experiences are obviously not fun, which sometimes causes people to do whatever they can to avoid thinking about them ever again. This can result in disassociation, where people become detached from themselves as a measure of protection. Children who experience chronic trauma often learn to separate from themselves during the trauma as they have no means of escape and this is often the only way they can get through the trauma. They pretend like they’re elsewhere to blunt the effects of the horrible thing they’re going through. They may be able to fully return to the person who was traumatized after the trauma is over and they believe they are safe again, but they also may go back and forth between that person and the person they disassociated to as a way to escape the memories of the trauma and return to the safety of the person who was never traumatized in the first place.

Addiction as a manifestation of trauma

Another way we see people escape the memories of a trauma is through addiction.  Drugs, sex, alcohol, work, exercise, social media, etc. can all act as a method of escape. They help get your mind off the traumatic memories and numb you from the pain temporarily. They are a safe, predictable place of comfort in a world riddled by trauma and chaos. 

Eating Disorders as a manifestation of trauma

For those who are more apt to take action and work towards changing their situation or environment, we may see eating disorders develop. Binge-eating disorder can often be a result of sexual trauma as it is theorized that the individual is unconsciously trying to make themselves less desirable and therefore more protected from another sexual assault. Anorexia and bulimia can develop in individuals who have undergone emotional trauma or bullying in an effort to make themselves smaller (maybe even invisible?) so as to not be a target for further trauma.

We’ve all experienced trauma

Trauma happens to all of us and it affects all of us differently. Your trauma may manifest in big ways or it may manifest in small ways. You may have the resources and strength to deal with your past trauma and find adaptive strategies to thrive or you may just be barely hanging on with the maladaptive coping strategies you’ve developed over the years. Wherever you’re at, I feel you. This world is harsh and none of us get through unscathed. If you’re barely hanging on, find someone to talk to or schedule an appointment with me! Nobody’s meant to go through it alone.

The Case For Polyamory : Dispelling Myths About Open Relationships

Polyamory means ‘many loves’

Polyamory is a relationship structure that involves consensual non-monogamy. People who engage in polyamory acknowledge that it is possible to have many loves at once and that the love of one does not necessarily take away from the love of another. This counters the mono-normative culture we live in that encourages one romantic or sexual partner at a time. 

Polyamory can take many forms

I’ve talked to people who assume that all polyamorous people are super kinky or highly interested in sex, which isn’t always true and is sometimes far from the truth. Some people do choose a polyamorous relationship structure to enjoy more sexual freedom, which is wonderful, but there are other reasons people choose this structure as well. Some people find their way to polyamory through an intellectual journey that leads them to question the monogamous structure. Other people choose polyamory as a way of relieving themselves of the pressure of meeting their partner(s) needs (sexually or otherwise), especially when there is desire discrepancy or one partner identifies as asexual. 

Monogamy hasn’t always been the norm

There are a lot of theories as to why monogamy is currently the norm in our society and I believe it’s a mixture of social, political, and cultural influences. Before monogamy, there was community. You contributed to your community in whatever way you could, and in return, you got to share in the bounty of your community. If your community was thriving, so were you. If it was struggling, you were also. Things took a turn when some people decided that they wanted to pursue security over community. They realized that if they could claim property and children, they could have their own workforce profiting only them. Securing a fertile, monogamous mate could likely lead you to securing more resources for yourself as you put your children to work earning for the smaller family unit rather than the community. 

Monogamy can help us feel more secure

Since the destruction of the community, it can feel like monogamy is all we have to find security in anymore. It’s better to have one person we can partner up with and who will promise to help us out when we need it than to have none. We cling to monogamy because we need to feel like someone is on our team through thick and thin. 

Monogamy can feel like a lot of pressure 

Then there’s this weird idea in our society that the person we are romantically involved with is supposed to be everything for us. They’re supposed to meet our emotional, physical, spiritual, and intellectual needs. We shouldn’t have to go anywhere else for these things, especially not for our physical needs. But you would never expect one friend to meet all of your needs for you, would you?! You recognize that some friends stimulate you intellectually and others stimulate you emotionally and you know that it’s wonderful you have more than one friend for this reason. 

Polyamory encourages return to community 

People who are polyamorous don’t believe that there is someone out there who completes them or who is their ‘other half’; they believe that their life is enriched by exploring relationships and learning with many people. They trust that the giving of love will multiply love for everyone rather than take away love from one. They give their partners freedom to explore connections so that they can have as much joy and intimacy in their life as possible. 

Polyamory may lead to:

-more freedom in the way you love others

-more friends/lovers/support 

-less pressure to be the sole support for your partner(s)

-feeling more loved by your partner(s) as you see that they want you to be happy and feel loved even if it brings up insecurities and challenging feelings for them

-more self-reflection and challenging of the status quo as you find that a partner sharing love with another does not take away from the love that you have with them (as society has taught you to believe)

Polyamory takes a lot of work and a lot of unlearning 

Monogamy works for some people (most likely people with great support from a community). And polyamory works for other people. Both of these relationship structures have their own benefits and challenges and ultimately you are the only person that can decide what’s best for you. I am an advocate for less judgment around ‘alternative relationship structures’ as I feel we should always encourage more love in the world. Opening up a relationship requires a lot of trust and communication, so I would not recommend it to everyone. It can be hard work to challenge some of the beliefs that we have around what a relationship should look like and can be difficult to navigate the jealousy and possessiveness that can come up when practicing consensual non-monogamy. This process can be made easier by talking to other poly people about their experiences or by working with a therapist who is knowledgeable about polyamory.

Considering opening up your relationship? Or just feeling unhappy about your current relationship setup? Schedule an appointment with me to talk things out and explore the best way to proceed with your relationship. 

You Deserve To Take Up Space Whether You're _____ (Funny, Smart, Pretty, Nice) Or Not

Self-Worth: Knowing that you don’t need to earn your space

Lately I’ve been working with some amazing people who have this belief that they must earn their space in this world. They must be funny, smart, beautiful, interesting, or attached to a man to be deserving of space. They feel they’re not inherently worthy of taking up space. But if they do enough for those around them, maybe they will be allowed space. Or if they provide enough entertainment/value/wisdom, maybe they will be given space. Or if they attach themselves to someone else, maybe they can take up a small part of their space. I want to let you know right now: YOU DESERVE TO TAKE UP SPACE. No matter how funny, interesting, or smart you are or aren’t. No matter who you’re attached to. No matter what anybody else says. You do not need to earn your space.  

Self-worth: Knowing that you are good just the way you are

So, where does this belief come from? I assume it’s from the many years of being told (directly or indirectly) we’re not right, we’re not good, or we’re not enough if we don’t follow these rules [of society]. In childhood, we’re often told to suppress certain behaviors, thoughts, or feelings because they’re not acceptable to our family unit or society in general. 

Self-worth: Knowing that we don’t have to follow society’s rules

Reject the rules that say don’t talk like that because the ideas and language you’re using are unacceptable and will make people think poorly of you (and possibly result in rejection). Don’t pleasure yourself because exploring your sexuality and seeking pleasure (or space for yourself in this world) is morally wrong. Don’t eat that food because it will cause you to take up more space physically in this world, which is seen as undisciplined and greedy (therefore bad).

Self-worth: Knowing you are wholly worthy of being seen

For a child, these messages often translate into ‘certain parts of me or certain desires/passions of mine are unacceptable or unworthy of being seen.’  We as a society teach our young that certain desires, passions, identities, and interests should be avoided or hidden in order to be accepted into society. If we hide these parts of ourselves, we don’t feel totally free (and that’s a shame). But if we show them, we risk being rejected, told that we don’t belong, and feeling that we must earn our space back by following the rules more closely.

Choose freedom over confinement

If you feel at odds with yourself because you want to show more of your true self to the world but feel that this will lead to rejection, please choose the possibility of rejection over the confinement of society’s rules. You deserve to take up space simply because you exist. If someone has told you otherwise, maybe they’re trying to inhabit a space they shouldn’t be in or maybe you need to move your space elsewhere. There is space for you in this world, but maybe you just haven’t found where that space is yet. Keep looking! 

You Don’t Have To Follow Social Norms : The Guide To Breaking All The Rules

Why do we deprive ourselves of things we love?

I was talking to my dad on the phone the other day and asking him what kind of cake he’d like for his birthday. He said, “I’m trying to stay away from sweets right now.” There was one point in my life where I would have nodded my head with understanding but now the statement appalls me and makes me so sad. You’re trying to stay away from something you like? Why!?

What rules do you have for yourself?

What rules have you adopted for society’s sake? A few rules I used to have for myself to keep my body size acceptable for society were 1) work out at least 5 times a week 2) don’t eat gluten 3) restrict sweets. I wasn’t doing these things for health reasons- it was almost entirely for aesthetics. Didn’t work and made me miserable, but that’s a different story for another time.

We all follow rules or norms for the purpose of being acceptable to society

We may not follow these rules consciously with awareness, but we get messages from society about how to act and present ourselves all the time and it’s impossible to rage against the machine and avoid assimilating 100% of the time. So I would ask yourself what rules do you follow for the purpose of being accepted in to our current day society? Maybe your rules have been adopted to fit into your religious community or your work environment or your family unit. Maybe they’re rules you’ve adopted from your parents or picked up from friends. It doesn’t really matter where they’ve come from, but it does matter how they’re serving you. And if they’re not serving you, you need to throw them in the garbage.

How are society’s rules serving you?

If it doesn’t serve you to deprive yourself of sex until marriage, have sex before marriage. If it doesn’t serve you to exercise every day, take time for rest. If it doesn’t serve you to be in a monogamous relationship, look into consensual nonmonogamy. If it doesn’t serve you to spend time with family members that are toxic, cut them out of your life. If it doesn’t serve you to pretend you agree with the beliefs of your friends or coworkers, tell them your own beliefs and see what happens. If something isn’t serving you, you’re going to remain frustrated and miserable until you put an end to it. Accept that people may not accept you if you go against the grain. But with this, recognize that 1) the tribe you want around you will accept you and 2) you will be able to accept yourself more when you start to practice behaviors that serve you. When you aren’t going against the things you believe or hiding who you are and what you feel, you surprisingly feel a lot better about yourself.

What do you value according to the rules you follow?

If you follow rules that require you to 1) do things you don’t like doing or that feel bad to you and/or 2) avoid doing things you like doing or that feel good to you, ask yourself why. Why do you deprive yourself of things you like? Why do you force yourself to do things you don’t like? Obviously because of a value you hold. So why do you value that thing or that opinion or that belief? If your reason for depriving yourself of sweets and delicious food is so that you can try to maintain a certain body weight so that people will find you attractive and want to be with you, what are you saying you value? Shallow relationships? If your love language is touch but you deprive yourself of sex before marriage because a book that you value and a community you cherish recommended it, what does that mean you value? The wisdom of others rather than your own wisdom? If you disagree with the opinions of others but choose to not have discussion around your disagreements out of fear of ruffling feathers, what are you valuing there? Social approval and acceptance?

Rejecting social norms can result in social rejection

Okay, I know it’s not easy to let go of all the rules because it oftentimes does come with the price of social rejection.  I understand the reality of this, which is why I still find myself hanging on to rules that don’t serve me. I think the first step to letting go of these rules is just naming them and calling them out. I would encourage you to make a list of your rules so that you can begin exploring why you follow them. And then experiment with breaking them. 

Rejecting social norms can help you find your tribe

There are tons of amazing humans out there that will accept you for whatever way you want to express yourself or show yourself to the world. Beginning to reject status quo and make your own rules can help you find these people. When we allow ourselves to be free, others are often more attracted to us anyways. And they yearn to find some of that freedom for themselves.

To show you my humanity, here’s a list of rules I’ve been struggling with lately: 

-Avoid speaking your opinion on _______ (race, gender, politics, religion, monogamy) in mixed company so as to avoid being labeled an extreme liberal or crazy feminist

-Don’t discuss the newfound freedom you’ve found since leaving Christianity with anyone remotely Christian so you can avoid being looked at as a sinner that needs to be saved

-Avoid showing tattoos in professional spaces so as not to be seen as unprofessional

-Don’t talk about your thoughts on why masturbation and polyamory should be celebrated in order to avoid people discounting you entirely for your ‘radical ideas’

Start breaking society’s rules and share the freedom with a friend!

Sharing my rules with others often helps me realize that I’m not alone in feeling the way I do and gives me the support and encouragement I need to start breaking my rules. Make your list and share it with a trusted friend. See how they react. If you don’t have a trusted friend, make an appointment with a therapist that provides a judgment free zone for you to process things like this! 

Why Don’t You Take Insurance? I Don’t Want To Diagnose / Pathologize Your Coping Skills

Insurance companies will not pay for your therapy without a diagnosis

I get a lot of questions about why I don’t take insurance and wanted to write this post to help people understand. The short of it is this: I’m not taking insurance because I don’t want to diagnose people with arbitrary ‘disorders’ that will affect the way they view themselves and the way they move forward in life. The long of it?

The term abnormal is arbitrary

We label something abnormal based on the cultural norms and context it’s within. What’s abnormal in one culture, point in time, or context is normal in another. In the context of religion, hearing a voice could be a message from God; outside the church it’s schizophrenia. In a culture where food is scarce, eating uncontrollably when you have the opportunity to do so is seen as a survival skill; when food is plentiful, it could be considered binge-eating disorder. In one point in time, being gay was considered a disorder of pathology. Diagnosing is just a way of categorizing behavior outside the norm as disordered.

We often learn ‘disordered’ behaviors in response to trauma

Most ‘abnormal behavior’ is an adaptation to fucked up shit. It’s a way of coping with brokenness and pain. You may turn to an addiction as a way of escaping painful memories of past abuse. You may disassociate from your body during and after a trauma in order to protect yourself from fully experiencing the trauma. You may experience extreme anxiety as a response to constantly being in situations where your life was at risk or threatened. You may experience crippling depression because you learned in your childhood that nothing you do can get you out of the shitty situation you’re in so you might as well stop trying.

Our bodies try to protect us from further trauma by sending us messages

Anxiety and depression are messages, not disorders. Anxiety is a normal reaction to a fearful situation. Depression is a normal reaction to an upsetting situation. If you are constantly being put in or putting yourself in fearful situations, you will feel more anxiety. If you are constantly being put in or putting yourself in upsetting situations, you will feel more depression. This is not disordered, this is your body sending you a message to get out of that situation!

I want to honor your capacity for survival

If I give you a diagnosis of pathology for the behavior you’re engaging in that’s helped you cope with your trauma or pain, then I don't feel I’m truly honoring your amazing capacity for survival. If I say that your extreme feeling of anxiety or depression are disordered, I feel like I’m discounting the wisdom of your body. Your ‘disordered’ or ‘abnormal’ behavior has come about as a means of survival. I don’t want to pathologize it. If I pathologize your behaviors or bodily sensations, you are likely to pathologize them as well. You’re likely to say that the way you act or feel is wrong or bad, which may make you feel like you are wrong or bad. This will make it hard for you to see the amazing ways these behaviors and/or sensations were trying to serve you. And if you can’t see the amazing capacity you have for survival, you may never address the underlying reasons for why you adapted these survival mechanisms in the first place. You may just stay stuck in thinking you’re wrong or bad for the way you’re getting through life.

Your coping skills are not disordered

I don’t think people are wrong or bad for their survival mechanisms. I don’t want to call coping skills disordered. I don’t want to put you in a box based on an arbitrary diagnosis. Also, insurance is super corrupt and I really just don’t want to be a part of that whole system. So that’s why I don’t take insurance; I hope you understand. There are a lot of wonderful therapists out there who do and I am so thrilled that they are providing people access to care who wouldn’t be able to afford it otherwise. I just know that it doesn’t feel right in my soul to diagnose and I’m determined to conduct my work in a way that feels right in my soul.

Any more questions? Contact me and I’d be more than happy to answer them!

Productivity Anxiety : It’s Okay To Relax

What is your experience in stillness like?

Finish this sentence: If I spend all day not being productive, I’m _______. For me, it’s ‘wasting my time’. For others, it’s ‘a lazy piece of shit’. For some, it’s ‘heaven’. I don’t know what it is for you, but the idea of productivity has been coming up a lot lately, so I wanted to spend some time talking about it.

We need rest to be productive

We live in a very goal-oriented society that runs on busyness and productivity. Nothing inherently wrong with productivity, I think it can make us feel great and move us towards a better life oftentimes. But with anything, moderation is key. When we become obsessive about productivity, that’s when it becomes a problem. We can’t always be productive because we need rest to be productive. We can’t be productive without rest; we need both in tandem. So if you struggle with allowing yourself to rest, let’s reframe rest as an essential part of productivity. Rest is helping you get on your way to being productive.

Think about how productive you are on little sleep… not very productive, right? You’re distracted, you’re exhausted, you’re stretched for resources. But for some reason it seems different when it comes to other restful activities. Allowing ourselves to take a twenty minute stretch break, an hour to walk through the park, ten minutes to practice meditation, or five minutes to play with our dog may seem frivolous or unhelpful towards our goals for productivity, but just like you need sleep to do anything remotely productive, you also need restful things throughout your day to help your brain and body be in the right state to move towards anything productive.

An inability to rest leads to stress, frustration, and anxiety

Otherwise, you’re most likely going to be stressed, frustrated, and anxious as fuck all day trying to go from one ‘productive activity’ to the next without any rest. That’s how I get anyways. I love to-do lists and I think they really help me stay focused/be productive, but sometimes I feel like my life turns into one big productivity checklist and I can’t rest until everything has been checked off the list. I move from one productive task to the next and tell myself I’ll rest or do something fun when I get done with all of it. If I can just finish everything on the list today, I’ll rest tomorrow. But I know the list will never be completed, there will always be more productive things to accomplish, and life is not a checklist. I still stand by to-do lists because otherwise I’d forget everything important that I need to do, but to-do lists don’t need a due date. You’ll get to them when you get to them.

Practicing mindfulness around what we’re doing can lead to restful productivity

To-do lists often feel like ‘have-to-do’ rather than ‘get-to-do’ lists. Imagine reframing: I have to do the laundry, mop the floors, water the garden, grocery shop, and meal prep today to I get to do the laundry, mop the floors, water the garden. grocery shop, and meal prep today. How can you reframe it in your mind but also how can you physically reframe the activity? Reframe these things in your mind by practicing gratitude for the responsibilities and privileges you are afforded (i.e. a house, a garden, the ability to buy and cook food, etc.). Reframe these things physically by making them more fun and restful. It’s hard to enjoy folding laundry or mopping floors when you’re rushing through these activities just trying to get through your checklist. It’s easier to enjoy folding laundry or mopping floors if you’ve got some music jamming in the background and allow yourself to dance around while you clean things up. It’s hard to enjoy watering your garden when you’re focused on all the things you need to get done after you water your garden. It’s easier to enjoy watering your garden when you allow yourself to be immersed in it’s beauty and stop to linger at the new life you see. It’s hard to enjoy grocery shopping and meal prepping when we feel stretched for time to do these things. It’s easier to enjoy grocery shopping and meal prepping when we give ourselves the time we need to do these things.

Productivity anxiety saps our energy, creativity, and spontaneity

Life isn’t a checklist and life doesn’t need to be rushed through. Sure, maybe you save 5 minutes here or there by rushing through folding laundry or hustling through the grocery store. Amazing, maybe you have 15 more minutes at night that you can use to zone out to Netflix with (since you’re clearly too exhausted and stretched to do anything but mind-numb at the end of the day). Making life a to-do list and rushing through this to-do list saps our energy, our creativity, and our spontaneity. It leaves us with nothing at the end of the day except a feeling of mild accomplishment and major exhaustion. Slowing down, reframing our ‘have-to-do’s’ to ‘get-to-do’s’, and allowing room for fun and creativity in our day is essential to quieting our anxious minds. It’s okay to relax. Relaxing is not a waste of time. Relaxing does not make you a lazy piece of shit. It makes you healthy and calm and more fun to be around. Give yourself a break from the productivity anxiety and find ways to add rest to every part of your day.

Struggling with more anxious thoughts than you can handle on your own? Schedule a counseling appointment with me to talk it out!

How To Talk To Your Child About Sexual Abuse (And Not Further Traumatize Them If It's Already Happened)

Be clear and direct with your language

When you talk to children, you have to be very clear and direct with your language because things can easily be miscommunicated or misinterpreted if you’re not careful. When you’re talking about something as sensitive as sexual abuse or sexual encounters, this is especially important. Kids don’t know the rules of the world- we’re the ones that teach them how things work, so we have to be clear and give them examples of what’s okay and what’s not okay to keep them safe.

Differentiate between appropriate and inappropriate touch

Talk to your kids about their bodies. Help them understand that certain parts of their bodies are private and that this is to keep them safe. Discuss what kind of touch is appropriate and what kind of touch is inappropriate for them (note: it is perfectly normal/okay for a child to explore their own body and touch themselves in ways that feel good to them- please don’t shame them for this!) Explain to them that not everybody will respect their privacy, but no matter what, they are entitled to it. Let them know that they do not need to do anything that makes them feel uncomfortable, even if someone is telling them it’s okay. Emphasize that it’s okay to say no to adults in situations that make them feel uncomfortable.

Don’t force your child to hug/kiss/touch anyone

Yes, even family members. If it makes a kid uncomfortable to kiss grandma, don’t make them! You need to encourage their autonomy to choose how they touch others and let them know that it’s okay to not allow touch or initiate touch if they don’t want to! Help them understand that it’s good to have boundaries with their body and make sure that they also understand it’s important to respect other people’s boundaries with their bodies, as well.

Teach them about manipulation

Talk to them about the kinds of things people might say to them to manipulate them into allowing a violation of their privacy. “Nobody will know”, “it’ll feel good”, “you’ll do it if you love me”, “I’ll hurt your mom if you don’t”, etc. Explain to them that this is manipulation, they have every right to say no to their requests, and they should immediately tell you about it if someone says something like this! Let them know that even if this person told them to keep the request or violation secret, they should tell you about it because you need to know this kind of information to keep them safe. Let them know that they will not be in trouble if they tell you about a violation and speaking up will allow you as the parent to prevent them from being put into that situation again.

Be sensitive with your language around touch and sexual encounters

People who have undergone sexual abuse have lots of feelings about the sexual abuse they've undergone. They may feel angry, sad, frustrated, confused, guilty, shameful, scared, or a combination of all of these. These feelings are super tough to navigate, but you can support your child by giving them a non-judgmental space to talk about what has happened to them. What happens after a trauma is very important in shaping a person's feelings and beliefs about the trauma, which is why it’s so important to be aware of the kind of language you are using with children around these topics (especially since you don’t know whether or not a child has been sexually abused- don’t just assume that they haven’t!).

Avoid phrases such as "it's bad when people touch you here"

Or "we don't let people touch us in these places" or anything else that a child could interpret as "I'm bad because of a sexual experience I had." I know you're trying to communicate to them that certain touching is inappropriate, but if they have had any kind of sexual encounters, these kind of phrases can cause children to believe that they are bad for allowing the experience to happen or not doing more to stop it. Children may be coerced or manipulated into consenting to whatever is happening and because they didn't fight it, they can hold on to beliefs that they are bad because they didn't do more to stop it. If not addressed, these beliefs can go on to affect them in the future and cause them to have issues with intimacy and sexual pleasure, among other things. Let them know that whatever happened is not their fault, even if the perpetrator told them that it was.

Unpacking childhood sexual trauma can be rough

But it can also be extremely healing and transformative. If you’re struggling with your own issues due to childhood sexual trauma or trying to support a child who has undergone sexual trauma, schedule a counseling appointment with me to sort some of this out.

Relax and Release Tension : 15 Minute Body Scan

Mindfulness practice: body scan

I’ve mentioned body scans before in my blog posts but I haven’t found any guided body scans that I LOVE, so I decided to make my own! The body scan is great when you’re feeling disconnected from your body and just generally distracted or frazzled. It helps you connect back to the pure sensations in your body to calm you down and help you figure out what your body really needs or is feeling in the moment. Great for eating disorders as you get connected back to your hunger and fullness cues, great for anxiety as you come back to the present moment and calm yourself, great for insomnia as it can help you get to a place of relaxation... Anyways, I love body scans and I hope you do, too!

How To Support A Loved One With An Eating Disorder

Don’t give unsolicited health advice to someone struggling with an eating disorder

I’m sure you have good intentions when you give unsolicited health advice to loved ones, but I’m here to tell you, they don’t want or need this! We all get enough of this from society and the media, so let’s give each other a break. Your unsolicited advice is most likely causing more harm than good. And today I’m going to talk about some of the ways you may unintentionally be harming your loved ones and causing them to perpetuate harmful behavior patterns so that you can avoid doing this in the future. Creating an environment that promotes health can be difficult in our culture and I’m sure you’re wondering where to even start…

Stop making comments about weight/body size

If you make a comment insinuating your loved one need to lose weight, this can obviously cause them to spiral into unhealthy patterns of behavior with eating and exercise, as well as unhealthy patterns of thinking with body shame and eating guilt. But it works the other way, as well. If you make a comment about how great your loved one looks now that they’ve lost weight, that encourages them to continue with whatever patterns of behavior and thinking it took for them to get there. You might not think this is harmful, but you don’t know what’s going on for them. Maybe they lost the weight because they got sick for a couple weeks and couldn’t eat normally. Or they tried out a new fad diet that cut out food groups they enjoy and which isn’t really sustainable long-term for them. Or they started a crazy new workout regimen that causes them to feel tired and sore all the time. Or they developed an eating disorder. The point is, you don’t know what’s going on for them! You don’t know why they lost weight. It could be that they are practicing much unhealthier behavior than what they were practicing before (at their heavier weight) and you making a comment about their weight reinforces the idea that they should continue to practice these unhealthier behavior and thought patterns to try to maintain this new body size.

Stop making comments about appearance in general

We are so much more than our bodies. We focus so much on the way we look, but we are not decorative objects and we were not put on this earth to look pretty! We need to stop objectifying ourselves and others by refraining from comments about appearance. Besides, how much better does it feel to be affirmed for your personality or intelligence?! Compliments about internal qualities that we can cultivate and change are much more meaningful than compliments about external qualities that we don’t have much control over (our appearance and our body size). Our bodies will always be changing and we don’t have a whole lot of control over the ways they change. If we could channel the energy we put towards changing our bodies into energy to change our minds, we could be living much more fulfilling lives. By focusing on the things we don’t have much control over (and don’t matter much), we distract ourselves from focusing on the things we do have control over (and that really matter)! Encourage your loved ones by focusing on and admiring the qualities that truly make them who they are- their strength, resilience, intelligence, kindness, etc. See how different it feels for you. Start giving yourself compliments on your inner qualities and see how that feels. Appreciate your loved one’s body for being the house to the incredible spirit inside. Thank your own body for housing your own incredible spirit. Focus on further cultivating what’s within. You’ll notice it feels a lot better to focus on the things you can change rather than dwelling on the things you cannot.

Stop insinuating that health can be determined by size

To support your loved one and create a better culture for those who struggle with food and their body, educate yourself and investigate your beliefs around health and fat. If you believe that healthy=thin and unhealthy=fat, do a little soul-searching. What’s going on there to make you believe this and where does this belief come from? Has the media or culture manipulated you into believing that you must be thin to be healthy in order to make a profit off you? We live in a world that has told us we are unhealthy if we weigh a certain amount or eat a certain way, but health is far more than what we put into our bodies and weight does not determine health. There are far better health predictors than weight. If you’re not on board with this, read Health at Every Size to change your mind.

Dig in to any other beliefs you have around fat

Do you believe fat=lazy, stupid, gross, or morally inferior? Are you scared that if you’re fat or if you become fat, that would mean you are all of those things? Break down those beliefs, baby! Fat doesn’t mean any of these things! It’s perfectly okay to have fat on your body and fat does not mean that you are lazy or unintelligent or undisciplined. Fat means that your body is doing it’s job and fighting to keep you alive and thriving by taking in as much energy as it can. Fat means you are doing your best to take care of yourself. Maybe your body needs to be a bigger size to feel healthy and safe. Or maybe eating is the best way you know to cope with life. There’s nothing wrong with this, you’re doing the best you can with the tools you’ve got! It’s nobody’s business how you take care of yourself and it’s not your business how other people take care of themselves. We need to stop insinuating that people are inferior if they don’t fit our idea of health or beauty. You don’t insinuate that someone is less than if they aren’t getting adequate sleep or if they’re not addressing their social needs, so why would you judge someone as less than because of the way they address their nutritional needs? We’re all doing the best we can to take care of our bodies the best way we know how. Practice empathy with others (and yourself!) as you recognize that everyone is doing the best they can to address all their bodies’ needs.

Stop making comments about the food your loved one is putting into their body

Their body, their choice. People are so much more than their food choices, so please stop doing this. If they’re eating foods that don’t nourish them physically or mentally, they’re already feeling it, so no need to add to this. If they’re eating foods that nourish their bodies physically and mentally, wonderful! Either way, you shouldn’t have anything to say about it.

Stop commenting on the amount of movement they’re getting in their day

Same thing with the amount of movement your loved one is getting in their day. Our bodies want to move, but not when movement is a punishment for our food choices or a chore we have to do to maintain a certain body size. Help your loved one connect with joyful movement and find ways they like to move their body; don’t encourage exercise that feels like a punishment or a chore. We need a healthy relationship with movement and we’ll never get this when we associate it with weight management.

Improve your own body image

Lastly, stop degrading and hating on bodies (others and your own)! When you fully accept your own body, you stop criticizing or wanting to change others bodies as well. Your body is wonderful and allows you to have fantastic experiences throughout this world. It doesn’t need to be a certain size to have wonderful experiences and there’s no need to struggle against it because of the way it looks on the outside. The more we hate on our own bodies and others’ bodies, the more distracted we are from the things that really matter in our lives. Accept that bodies are diverse and are not meant to look the same. Accept the body you’ve been given and live happily in that body because it’s the only one you’ve got and it’s doing it’s best to keep you alive and thriving!

If you have further questions about how to best support a loved one with an eating disorder or would like to schedule a therapy appointment with me to process through any of this, contact me!

Are Your Eating Habits Disordered?

Healthy eating habits:

• Eating when you’re hungry

• Noticing how foods make you feel and eating foods that help your body feel good

• Eating foods you enjoy

• Feeling calm about the eating experience

• Eating a variety of foods to satisfy your mental and physical needs

• Listening to your body for cues on what to eat, when to eat, and how much to eat

• Eating for enjoyment and nutrition

• Eating until you’re satisfied

Unhealthy eating habits:

• Not eating when you’re hungry

• Labeling or judging certain foods or food groups as ‘bad’ or ‘unhealthy’

• Restricting foods you enjoy for non-medical reasons

• Feeling anxious about the eating experience

• Eating foods you don’t enjoy as punishment or in the name of health

• Counting calories, macros, grams of fat or sugar; weighing food

• Using food as a reward

• Eating to the point of discomfort frequently

Disordered eating is common and sometimes seen as normal in our society

I wanted to create this list to promote awareness around what disordered eating looks like. You may want to push back on some of the things you see on the list of ‘unhealthy eating habits’ and that’s okay. You learn a lot of your eating habits in childhood and challenging these can be difficult for a lot of reasons (Does this mean my parents were wrong in telling me certain foods were bad and should be avoided? I’ve been taught to trust outside sources for what I need, could I really trust myself for that wisdom? Surely if I trusted my body, I’d be eating pizza and ice cream for the rest of my days like Dad always joked about, right?) Learning to make peace with food is difficult and can require a lot of work.

Disordered eating usually starts with a person going on a diet

Sometimes suggested at the advice of a well-intentioned friend, family member, or health professional. Maybe they lose a little weight and are praised. This can turn into constant restricting, which often leads to bingeing (and sometimes purging). Purging is the one behavior that everyone can recognize as disordered. If you do this, you know your eating is disordered in some way. But other disordered behaviors are a little sneakier. If you restrict all the time, you can rationalize it in your mind by saying you’re on a diet or are just very careful about your eating. If you binge all the time, you can rationalize it by saying you’re just an emotional eater going through a rough patch. Regardless of how you spin it in your mind, it’s still not healthy!

Disordered eating is encouraged by diet culture

A lot of us hang on to disordered eating habits because they feel safe and we feel supported in them. Our culture is a big supporter of disordered eating habits.. Fasting is in right now and I’ve seen people doing up to 22 hour fasts daily without thinking this was at all disordered. Ignoring your body’s cues and needs for hunger is not healthy! I get that our bodies can survive through long periods of famine, but this does not mean we should subject our bodies to long periods of famine unnecessarily. If fasting works for you, great! But I would challenge you to really ask yourself if it’s working for you. Are you really getting the nutrients you need to get you through the day feeling awesome?

‘Healthy eating’ isn’t just about the foods you put into your body

If your constantly anxious or fearful around certain foods, this is not healthy! Health is not just physical. If you don’t take into account your mental health when considering your eating habits, you’re missing a big part of the picture. You may be the world’s most self-controlled person and only put ‘clean’ unprocessed, whole food into your body. Wonderful, round of applause for you. How do you feel mentally? Do you feel like you’re missing out on life and fun because of it? If you do, what’s the deal with all the restriction? Chances are, if you’re restricting certain foods because you think they’re ‘bad’ and are going to ruin your health, you’re restricting in other areas of your life, as well. Where else might you be restricting yourself from enjoyment and pleasure? And why?! Life isn’t meant for suffering and restricting!

Healthy eating is trusting your body

It can be difficult to trust your body and make peace with food. We are taught to trust others for nutritional advice or general health advice because we’ve been taught that others know better than we do. Eating shouldn’t be hard, though; we’ve been doing it since the beginning of time without dietitians or health experts. We have greatly overcomplicated eating, but it doesn’t have to be this way! Our bodies are wise and know what we need. Tune in to your body and give it what it needs.

If you need extra support, contact me to schedule a counseling appointment!

How Can Mindfulness Help With Eating Disorders?

Eating Disorders are rooted in disconnection from the body

So at this point, you might be sick of me harping on mindfulness and how it can be helpful for whatever you’re going through… but I truly believe it can! Today I’m going to be talking about a few mindfulness practices that can be especially helpful for eating disorders. Eating disorders are rooted in a disconnection from the body and appetite, so mindfulness can help get us back into connection with these things and can help us get curious about why we’ve gotten out of connection with these things in the first place.

With eating disorders and disordered eating, we tend to ignore our bodies’ messages to us. Our bodies tell us we’re hungry and we tell them not now. Our bodies tell us we’re satisfied but we tell them not yet. Our bodies tell us we need to rest but we tell them to push through the workout. Constantly ignoring your body’s messages will get you to a point where you start to lose connection with your body’s messages. You might even lose your ability to recognize your body’s hunger and fullness cues.

Mindfulness Practice 1: Body scan to connect back to the body

One great way to get connected back to your body is through a body scan. A body scan is a practice where you move your awareness from the top of your body down to the bottom (or vice versa), focusing on different parts of the body and observing what’s going on in each part of the body without attaching any meaning or judgment to what you experience. It’s easy to move to judging the different parts of your body and the sensations you feel in your body, but with a body scan, you simply observe what’s happening and get curious about it. There’s plenty of body scan scripts and videos you can find online, but check out my guided body scan here. When you can recognize how your body feels and get curious about what this might mean, you can gain greater awareness around what it needs and what it might be lacking.

Mindfulness Practice 2: Mindful Eating or Intuitive Eating

Another helpful practice for eating disorders is mindful/intuitive eating. Read more about mindful and intuitive eating. Practicing intuitive eating and mindfulness around your food habits can help you recognize and challenge some of the disordered thoughts and behaviors you might have around food and your body. It will also help you to gain awareness around how certain foods make you feel and what your body actually needs from you to thrive. If you can put this information to use, you can feel so much better in the body you’re in, whatever size it may be!

Mindfulness Practice 3: Journaling about beliefs around food and body

Journaling can be super helpful for raising awareness around our deep-rooted beliefs. I encourage everyone who is struggling with disordered eating or an eating disorder to dig in to some of their beliefs around food and their body. Journal about your beliefs around food; what does it mean if you eat certain foods? Journal about your beliefs around your body; what would it mean if you were in a smaller or larger body than the one you’re in now? Write down any memories or thoughts that come up in relation to these beliefs and figure out where they came from. Then challenge them! Are they true? Does eating a certain food make you unwise or unhealthy or gross? Does gaining weight make you unlovable or unattractive? What makes it so hard for you to give up these beliefs?! Processing through this is tough, but it can be so rewarding in your relationship with food and your body!

There can be a lot to process around these things since eating is something you’ve been doing your whole life and your body is somewhere you’ve been living your whole life. If you need extra support processing through these things, book a counseling appointment with me!

How You Can Improve Your Body Image : Body Positivity | Health At Every Size

How can you improve your body image?

I know we’ve all been taught to believe that losing weight or achieving a thin figure will help us to FINALLY love our bodies… but it won’t. Loving our bodies is an action we choose and if restricting and shaming our bodies are the actions we’re choosing, we are not loving our bodies. The thin ideal our culture promotes is an unhealthy, unrealistic body size that pits us against our own bodies. Just like it feels good to have a little extra money in savings in case of emergency, our bodies like to have a little extra energy (or fat) stored away in case of emergency (famine). Our bodies have learned to do this to keep us alive and this is a biological advantage.

People are profiting off your belief that your body is not good the way it is

But culture wants us to believe that thin is good, thin is healthy, and thin is beautiful. It hasn’t always been this way, though! Throughout most of history, larger bodies have been considered more desirable than thinner ones. In some cultures today, larger bodies are still more desirable than thinner bodies. Linda Bacon, author of Health at Every Size, says, “beauty standards reflect the political and economic interests of the times” and goes on to talk about how thin women were sold pills, creams, and potions that were supposed to help them get fatter in the early 1900s. Whatever can flip a profit is in. And you better believe that people are profiting big time off of your insecurities around your body (food companies, weight loss industry, pharmaceutical companies, health professionals, etc.).

Extra fat on your body doesn’t mean you’re unhealthy

But what about health?! I know we’ve all come to believe that we can determine someone’s health and their health habits by looking at them, but it just isn’t true! We know that there are thin people who are super unhealthy and larger people who don’t have any health issues, so why do we still latch on to the idea that weight = health? Probably because it makes us feel like we’re in control, but PLEASE READ HEALTH AT EVERY SIZE so you can understand that this simply isn’t true. Too little fat on your body is much more dangerous and unhealthy than too much. And BMI standards were set by people who receive funding from companies like Weight Watchers who are making a profit off of you thinking you’re unhealthy and need to lose weight!!

Improve body image by listening to your body

Okay, I think you get how angry I am about the diet and weight loss industry tricking us into hating our bodies and believing that we need to change them in the name of health. And I hope you’re angry, too. You don’t need to change your body. You need to change the way you feel about your body. Your body works hard for you and it’s about time you show it some appreciation. It needs love to thrive and your struggle against it and hatred of it is not conducive to it’s thriving. Listen to it and work with it. If it tells you it needs food, you need to give it food. If it tells you it need rest, give it rest. If it tells you to move, move joyfully.

Our bodies tell us what they need but oftentimes we think we know best (or culture knows best) so we try to override or ignore our bodies’ messages. We make rules for food or exercise or sleep or whatever else because we don’t trust our bodies. I know I’m sore, but I’ve got to get this workout in. I know I’m still hungry, but I’ve already had 2000 calories today. I know I’m tired, but I don’t have time to rest. Your body is wise and you do it a great disservice when you assume you know better about it’s needs than it does. It’s needs are constantly changing day to day and the only way to know exactly what it needs today is to listen to it!

Improve body image by showing love to your body

Start to love your body by listening to it. Start to love your body by giving it what it needs. Stop killing yourself at the gym and starving yourself at the dinner table. Loving your body isn’t all about loving the way it looks. You may never love the way it looks. But you can love the way it feels and the way you feel in it. You can love it for what it does for you, how it enables you to experience amazing things, and for the way it fights to keep you alive.

Your body is deserving of love no matter what size it is. Stop struggling against it and trust that it knows best when it comes to what it needs. Practice eating nutritiously, joyfully moving, and resting when your body tells you to for the sake of health. Stop trying to lose weight in the name of health. Acknowledge what’s under your fear of gaining weight or being in a larger body. Remember that you are worthy regardless of what size or shape your body is currently taking.

Read Health at Every Size or book an appointment with me to dive further in to your body image issues.