How To Combat Seasonal Depression | 9 Ways to Better Manage Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)

‘Tis the season for seasonal depression and you’re certainly not the only one feeling it. Many people get the winter blues when the weather turns and it’s not uncommon to feel extra down this time of year. Luckily, I’ve got your back and have a few tips and tricks to fight that seasonal depression when it comes around. 

Get Cozy : Hygge

My least favorite thing about winter is the cold. Being cold makes my body tense and feeling tense is the least relaxing thing in the world. Being cozy is super relaxing, though, and the best time to get cozy is during the winter. The Danes use the word hygge to describe the coziness of the season. To embody hygge, let the cold be an excuse to stay inside and relax after a long year. Allow yourself to rest and restore your energy. Buy some warm clothes and fuzzy socks to keep away the cold. Cuddle up with a blanket and a fun book. Light a candle and put on some soothing music. Do whatever feels warm and comforting to you.

Get Into Your Senses : Mindfulness

We often find ourselves with more free time on our hands in the winter because most of us spend less time outside the house when it’s cold. This can cause us to get in our heads even more than we usually do, which can exacerbate any anxiety and/or depression we’re already feeling. Instead of ruminating on the past or worrying about the future with that free time, try tuning in to the present with mindfulness by getting into your senses. Do something that engages only one of your senses or do something that engages all of your senses. Put on some essential oils, listen to ASMR, meditate, pet something fuzzy or furry, pay attention to all the flavors in your food. When you’re focused on the sensations you’re experiencing in the present, you don’t give your mind the time or space to spiral further into your depression.

Get Into Your Body : Stretch, Dance, Yoga, Massage

Another thing you can do to get out of your head is to get in to your body. Some people have a hard time with this one because they have negative beliefs about being in their body, but I’m telling you, if you can embrace your body and feel your body, it’s one of the most magical feelings in the world. Stretching was the catalyst that got me back into my body and I have raved about it ever since because of the wonderful feelings it’s led me to. If you don’t stretch, I’d strongly recommend it. You’ll realize your body has been trying to communicate with you by sending you aches, pains, and discomforts. Your body wants to be moved and touched. You’re allowed to move and touch it in whatever way feels good to you. Stretch, dance, practice yoga or give yourself a massage! It’s amazing how good you can make yourself feel just by loving on your body a little.

Get Light : Vitamin D

If the sun is shining, try to get outside! We need Vitamin D and many people are Vitamin D deficient during the wintertime. If you can’t bear the cold or the sun isn’t shining, try getting some Vitamin D supplements or invest in a Happy Light to supplement for sunshine.

Get Some Responsibilities : Plants Or A Pet

It’s easy to stay cozy in bed all day when it’s freezing outside and you don’t have any responsibilities to tend to, but staying in bed all day will likely make your depression worse. How do you feel when you realize it’s 5pm and you’re still in your pajamas in bed, not having moved all day except to get food or go to the bathroom? Yeah, usually not great. If you have things to take care of like plants or pets, you’re forced to get yourself out of bed to take care of these living things! And then you know what usually happens? You realize that the plant looks happier when you give it the nutrients it needs and the dog jumps for joy when he gets to move his body around outside. And then you realize you’re happier when you do these things, too. So you begin to take care of yourself as well.

Get Out Of The House : Find Events Around Town

If I spend too long in my house, I begin to feel trapped. It’s good to get out and about and there are tons of holiday events you can go to around town if you need to escape your home. Check out Facebook events for things going on around town or join a group on Meetup.com to make new friends and/or try new activities.

Get Social : Invite Friends Over For Cozy Nights In

Too many people neglect their social life in the winter months. People really don’t like getting out in the cold, but isolating ourselves from our friends for a whole season is much worse than exposing ourselves to the cold every once in a while. But if you really can’t stand the thought of getting out of the house, make the fun come to you! Plan a board game night, host a wine and paint event with the girls, cook dinner with friends, bake holiday cookies with your neighbors, or throw a holiday party with fancy drinks. Just get some friends over to your house and have yourselves a good old time.

Get A New Hobby : Cooking, Baking, Crafting, Music-Making

‘Tis the season for indoor hobbies! Print out those Pinterest recipes and craft instructions, head to your local grocery and/or craft store, and get to cooking (or crafting). Almost all of my hobbies have been born out of winter boredom and I’m so thankful when winter is in full force because it always reminds me to get back in touch with my creative side. I often neglect my ukulele and crafts throughout the year, but come winter, we reunite with a passion. There’s really nothing like the flow you get into when you’re being creative. Creative flow is also the pinnacle of mindfulness for me. Get into your flow with a new hobby.

Get Therapy : Talking To Someone Can Help

Sometimes you need more than just some stretching and a new hobby to get you out of your funk. Maybe it’s not coping skills you’re lacking… maybe it’s a pain or hurt you haven’t yet dealt with rising back up or a loss you haven’t grieved coming back around. Therapy can help you process through these things and find some healing from your pain. If you’ve never tried it, I’d highly recommend it!

In the Lexington, KY area and interested in starting therapy? Book an appointment with me! Not in the Lexington area but wanting to start therapy and not sure where to look? Check out my blog post on how to choose a therapist

How Does Trauma Affect a Person? Anxiety, Depression, Addiction, Eating Disorders

What Is Trauma?

As part of an initial intake at my old job, I was required to ask new clients if they had undergone any kind of trauma in their lifetime. After doing these intakes over and over again, I realized that people don’t really know what trauma is and they don’t really understand how deeply their trauma has affected them. I believe trauma is at the root of most mental health issues, so today I’ll be talking about what trauma is and how it manifests in our lives post-trauma.  

I’m sure there are tons of working definitions for trauma out there, but for today’s purposes:

Trauma is any kind of event or experience that is significantly physically or emotionally threatening or harmful.

This could include a lot of different experiences, including (but not limited to):

• Birth (both the act of giving birth and the event of being birthed)

• A medical procedure or surgery

• A divorce (for adults or for the children of the adults)

• Loss (of a job, pet, family member or friend)

• Violence (witnessing violence or being violated)

• Miscarriage

• Sexual assault

• Childhood neglect or abuse

• Psychological manipulation or coercion (through cults or religions)

• Being bullied by peers

• Being shamed by authority figures

I could go on and on, but the point is that trauma encompasses so much more than just physical or sexual abuse (which is what we usually focus on). You may not feel your dog’s death counts as a trauma, but if it significantly shook you and caused you to feel negatively about your ability to care for another living being to the point that the thought of having kids now terrifies you because if you can’t take care of a dog you sure as hell can’t take care of a kid… I would consider that a trauma. Just because something might not look like a trauma on the surface, doesn’t mean it’s not a trauma. If an event or experience in the past is causing you to act in defense and out of fear in the present, you may be acting out of a trauma.

What does it look like to be acting out of a trauma?

Anxiety as a manifestation of trauma

Anxiety is a message our body sends us to alert us about a potential threat in our environment. Anxiety says, “PAY ATTENTION, YOUR LIFE MIGHT BE AT STAKE!” When we are exposed to life-threatening situations, our body remembers this. It notes: almost got attacked (or did get attacked) while walking through sketchy neighborhood at night, will remember to avoid similar situations in the future in order to stay alive. Whatever stimuli you were exposed to in your near-death situation can then be determined by your body as potentially threatening. So in turn, that neighborhood, the smells and sounds of the night, the clothing of the attacker, etc. can be stored away in your emotional memory as potentially dangerous and worthy of an anxiety response if encountered again. This is your body trying to protect you from future threats. The problem comes when we’re exposed to life-threatening situations often. I’m sure you can imagine if you have lots of situations like these, your body will begin to believe there is threat everywhere and respond appropriately with anxiety. This may result in feeling anxious when exposed to seemingly benign stimuli such as certain materials of clothing or certain smells. These things may alert us to a real threat, but oftentimes they just happen to be a random part of the trauma scenario you endured that actually isn’t a very good predictor of threat. If it snowed on the day you were nearly shot by a mass shooter, it doesn’t mean that snow is a good predictor of threat, but your body may respond to it in such a way because of the way it is stored in your emotional memory. Enough of these memories and we will begin to see threat (and experience anxiety) everywhere.

Depression as a manifestation of trauma

Depression is also a message from our body and it says, “something’s not right here; something needs to change.” It’s an adaptive message that’s supposed to help us get to a better environment where we can thrive, but sometimes we feel helpless in our ability to do anything but accept our crumby circumstances. When we have been traumatized in any way, we feel powerless. When we have been traumatized repeatedly, this feeling is incredibly exacerbated. If you are constantly being put in situations where you are powerless, you will begin to believe that your power is small or non-existent. You will learn to accept this fact and accept your situation as it is, miserable as it may be. Believing you are powerless to change your situation renders you stuck in your depression until you gain an ounce of strength or belief in your strength to make change.

Disassociation as a manifestation of trauma

Traumatic experiences are obviously not fun, which sometimes causes people to do whatever they can to avoid thinking about them ever again. This can result in disassociation, where people become detached from themselves as a measure of protection. Children who experience chronic trauma often learn to separate from themselves during the trauma as they have no means of escape and this is often the only way they can get through the trauma. They pretend like they’re elsewhere to blunt the effects of the horrible thing they’re going through. They may be able to fully return to the person who was traumatized after the trauma is over and they believe they are safe again, but they also may go back and forth between that person and the person they disassociated to as a way to escape the memories of the trauma and return to the safety of the person who was never traumatized in the first place.

Addiction as a manifestation of trauma

Another way we see people escape the memories of a trauma is through addiction.  Drugs, sex, alcohol, work, exercise, social media, etc. can all act as a method of escape. They help get your mind off the traumatic memories and numb you from the pain temporarily. They are a safe, predictable place of comfort in a world riddled by trauma and chaos. 

Eating Disorders as a manifestation of trauma

For those who are more apt to take action and work towards changing their situation or environment, we may see eating disorders develop. Binge-eating disorder can often be a result of sexual trauma as it is theorized that the individual is unconsciously trying to make themselves less desirable and therefore more protected from another sexual assault. Anorexia and bulimia can develop in individuals who have undergone emotional trauma or bullying in an effort to make themselves smaller (maybe even invisible?) so as to not be a target for further trauma.

We’ve all experienced trauma

Trauma happens to all of us and it affects all of us differently. Your trauma may manifest in big ways or it may manifest in small ways. You may have the resources and strength to deal with your past trauma and find adaptive strategies to thrive or you may just be barely hanging on with the maladaptive coping strategies you’ve developed over the years. Wherever you’re at, I feel you. This world is harsh and none of us get through unscathed. If you’re barely hanging on, find someone to talk to or schedule an appointment with me! Nobody’s meant to go through it alone.

The Case For Polyamory : Dispelling Myths About Open Relationships

Polyamory means ‘many loves’

Polyamory is a relationship structure that involves consensual non-monogamy. People who engage in polyamory acknowledge that it is possible to have many loves at once and that the love of one does not necessarily take away from the love of another. This counters the mono-normative culture we live in that encourages one romantic or sexual partner at a time. 

Polyamory can take many forms

I’ve talked to people who assume that all polyamorous people are super kinky or highly interested in sex, which isn’t always true and is sometimes far from the truth. Some people do choose a polyamorous relationship structure to enjoy more sexual freedom, which is wonderful, but there are other reasons people choose this structure as well. Some people find their way to polyamory through an intellectual journey that leads them to question the monogamous structure. Other people choose polyamory as a way of relieving themselves of the pressure of meeting their partner(s) needs (sexually or otherwise), especially when there is desire discrepancy or one partner identifies as asexual. 

Monogamy hasn’t always been the norm

There are a lot of theories as to why monogamy is currently the norm in our society and I believe it’s a mixture of social, political, and cultural influences. Before monogamy, there was community. You contributed to your community in whatever way you could, and in return, you got to share in the bounty of your community. If your community was thriving, so were you. If it was struggling, you were also. Things took a turn when some people decided that they wanted to pursue security over community. They realized that if they could claim property and children, they could have their own workforce profiting only them. Securing a fertile, monogamous mate could likely lead you to securing more resources for yourself as you put your children to work earning for the smaller family unit rather than the community. 

Monogamy can help us feel more secure

Since the destruction of the community, it can feel like monogamy is all we have to find security in anymore. It’s better to have one person we can partner up with and who will promise to help us out when we need it than to have none. We cling to monogamy because we need to feel like someone is on our team through thick and thin. 

Monogamy can feel like a lot of pressure 

Then there’s this weird idea in our society that the person we are romantically involved with is supposed to be everything for us. They’re supposed to meet our emotional, physical, spiritual, and intellectual needs. We shouldn’t have to go anywhere else for these things, especially not for our physical needs. But you would never expect one friend to meet all of your needs for you, would you?! You recognize that some friends stimulate you intellectually and others stimulate you emotionally and you know that it’s wonderful you have more than one friend for this reason. 

Polyamory encourages return to community 

People who are polyamorous don’t believe that there is someone out there who completes them or who is their ‘other half’; they believe that their life is enriched by exploring relationships and learning with many people. They trust that the giving of love will multiply love for everyone rather than take away love from one. They give their partners freedom to explore connections so that they can have as much joy and intimacy in their life as possible. 

Polyamory may lead to:

-more freedom in the way you love others

-more friends/lovers/support 

-less pressure to be the sole support for your partner(s)

-feeling more loved by your partner(s) as you see that they want you to be happy and feel loved even if it brings up insecurities and challenging feelings for them

-more self-reflection and challenging of the status quo as you find that a partner sharing love with another does not take away from the love that you have with them (as society has taught you to believe)

Polyamory takes a lot of work and a lot of unlearning 

Monogamy works for some people (most likely people with great support from a community). And polyamory works for other people. Both of these relationship structures have their own benefits and challenges and ultimately you are the only person that can decide what’s best for you. I am an advocate for less judgment around ‘alternative relationship structures’ as I feel we should always encourage more love in the world. Opening up a relationship requires a lot of trust and communication, so I would not recommend it to everyone. It can be hard work to challenge some of the beliefs that we have around what a relationship should look like and can be difficult to navigate the jealousy and possessiveness that can come up when practicing consensual non-monogamy. This process can be made easier by talking to other poly people about their experiences or by working with a therapist who is knowledgeable about polyamory.

Considering opening up your relationship? Or just feeling unhappy about your current relationship setup? Schedule an appointment with me to talk things out and explore the best way to proceed with your relationship. 

You Deserve To Take Up Space Whether You're _____ (Funny, Smart, Pretty, Nice) Or Not

Self-Worth: Knowing that you don’t need to earn your space

Lately I’ve been working with some amazing people who have this belief that they must earn their space in this world. They must be funny, smart, beautiful, interesting, or attached to a man to be deserving of space. They feel they’re not inherently worthy of taking up space. But if they do enough for those around them, maybe they will be allowed space. Or if they provide enough entertainment/value/wisdom, maybe they will be given space. Or if they attach themselves to someone else, maybe they can take up a small part of their space. I want to let you know right now: YOU DESERVE TO TAKE UP SPACE. No matter how funny, interesting, or smart you are or aren’t. No matter who you’re attached to. No matter what anybody else says. You do not need to earn your space.  

Self-worth: Knowing that you are good just the way you are

So, where does this belief come from? I assume it’s from the many years of being told (directly or indirectly) we’re not right, we’re not good, or we’re not enough if we don’t follow these rules [of society]. In childhood, we’re often told to suppress certain behaviors, thoughts, or feelings because they’re not acceptable to our family unit or society in general. 

Self-worth: Knowing that we don’t have to follow society’s rules

Reject the rules that say don’t talk like that because the ideas and language you’re using are unacceptable and will make people think poorly of you (and possibly result in rejection). Don’t pleasure yourself because exploring your sexuality and seeking pleasure (or space for yourself in this world) is morally wrong. Don’t eat that food because it will cause you to take up more space physically in this world, which is seen as undisciplined and greedy (therefore bad).

Self-worth: Knowing you are wholly worthy of being seen

For a child, these messages often translate into ‘certain parts of me or certain desires/passions of mine are unacceptable or unworthy of being seen.’  We as a society teach our young that certain desires, passions, identities, and interests should be avoided or hidden in order to be accepted into society. If we hide these parts of ourselves, we don’t feel totally free (and that’s a shame). But if we show them, we risk being rejected, told that we don’t belong, and feeling that we must earn our space back by following the rules more closely.

Choose freedom over confinement

If you feel at odds with yourself because you want to show more of your true self to the world but feel that this will lead to rejection, please choose the possibility of rejection over the confinement of society’s rules. You deserve to take up space simply because you exist. If someone has told you otherwise, maybe they’re trying to inhabit a space they shouldn’t be in or maybe you need to move your space elsewhere. There is space for you in this world, but maybe you just haven’t found where that space is yet. Keep looking! 

You Don’t Have To Follow Social Norms : The Guide To Breaking All The Rules

Why do we deprive ourselves of things we love?

I was talking to my dad on the phone the other day and asking him what kind of cake he’d like for his birthday. He said, “I’m trying to stay away from sweets right now.” There was one point in my life where I would have nodded my head with understanding but now the statement appalls me and makes me so sad. You’re trying to stay away from something you like? Why!?

What rules do you have for yourself?

What rules have you adopted for society’s sake? A few rules I used to have for myself to keep my body size acceptable for society were 1) work out at least 5 times a week 2) don’t eat gluten 3) restrict sweets. I wasn’t doing these things for health reasons- it was almost entirely for aesthetics. Didn’t work and made me miserable, but that’s a different story for another time.

We all follow rules or norms for the purpose of being acceptable to society

We may not follow these rules consciously with awareness, but we get messages from society about how to act and present ourselves all the time and it’s impossible to rage against the machine and avoid assimilating 100% of the time. So I would ask yourself what rules do you follow for the purpose of being accepted in to our current day society? Maybe your rules have been adopted to fit into your religious community or your work environment or your family unit. Maybe they’re rules you’ve adopted from your parents or picked up from friends. It doesn’t really matter where they’ve come from, but it does matter how they’re serving you. And if they’re not serving you, you need to throw them in the garbage.

How are society’s rules serving you?

If it doesn’t serve you to deprive yourself of sex until marriage, have sex before marriage. If it doesn’t serve you to exercise every day, take time for rest. If it doesn’t serve you to be in a monogamous relationship, look into consensual nonmonogamy. If it doesn’t serve you to spend time with family members that are toxic, cut them out of your life. If it doesn’t serve you to pretend you agree with the beliefs of your friends or coworkers, tell them your own beliefs and see what happens. If something isn’t serving you, you’re going to remain frustrated and miserable until you put an end to it. Accept that people may not accept you if you go against the grain. But with this, recognize that 1) the tribe you want around you will accept you and 2) you will be able to accept yourself more when you start to practice behaviors that serve you. When you aren’t going against the things you believe or hiding who you are and what you feel, you surprisingly feel a lot better about yourself.

What do you value according to the rules you follow?

If you follow rules that require you to 1) do things you don’t like doing or that feel bad to you and/or 2) avoid doing things you like doing or that feel good to you, ask yourself why. Why do you deprive yourself of things you like? Why do you force yourself to do things you don’t like? Obviously because of a value you hold. So why do you value that thing or that opinion or that belief? If your reason for depriving yourself of sweets and delicious food is so that you can try to maintain a certain body weight so that people will find you attractive and want to be with you, what are you saying you value? Shallow relationships? If your love language is touch but you deprive yourself of sex before marriage because a book that you value and a community you cherish recommended it, what does that mean you value? The wisdom of others rather than your own wisdom? If you disagree with the opinions of others but choose to not have discussion around your disagreements out of fear of ruffling feathers, what are you valuing there? Social approval and acceptance?

Rejecting social norms can result in social rejection

Okay, I know it’s not easy to let go of all the rules because it oftentimes does come with the price of social rejection.  I understand the reality of this, which is why I still find myself hanging on to rules that don’t serve me. I think the first step to letting go of these rules is just naming them and calling them out. I would encourage you to make a list of your rules so that you can begin exploring why you follow them. And then experiment with breaking them. 

Rejecting social norms can help you find your tribe

There are tons of amazing humans out there that will accept you for whatever way you want to express yourself or show yourself to the world. Beginning to reject status quo and make your own rules can help you find these people. When we allow ourselves to be free, others are often more attracted to us anyways. And they yearn to find some of that freedom for themselves.

To show you my humanity, here’s a list of rules I’ve been struggling with lately: 

-Avoid speaking your opinion on _______ (race, gender, politics, religion, monogamy) in mixed company so as to avoid being labeled an extreme liberal or crazy feminist

-Don’t discuss the newfound freedom you’ve found since leaving Christianity with anyone remotely Christian so you can avoid being looked at as a sinner that needs to be saved

-Avoid showing tattoos in professional spaces so as not to be seen as unprofessional

-Don’t talk about your thoughts on why masturbation and polyamory should be celebrated in order to avoid people discounting you entirely for your ‘radical ideas’

Start breaking society’s rules and share the freedom with a friend!

Sharing my rules with others often helps me realize that I’m not alone in feeling the way I do and gives me the support and encouragement I need to start breaking my rules. Make your list and share it with a trusted friend. See how they react. If you don’t have a trusted friend, make an appointment with a therapist that provides a judgment free zone for you to process things like this! 

How To Talk To Your Child About Sexual Abuse (And Not Further Traumatize Them If It's Already Happened)

Be clear and direct with your language

When you talk to children, you have to be very clear and direct with your language because things can easily be miscommunicated or misinterpreted if you’re not careful. When you’re talking about something as sensitive as sexual abuse or sexual encounters, this is especially important. Kids don’t know the rules of the world- we’re the ones that teach them how things work, so we have to be clear and give them examples of what’s okay and what’s not okay to keep them safe.

Differentiate between appropriate and inappropriate touch

Talk to your kids about their bodies. Help them understand that certain parts of their bodies are private and that this is to keep them safe. Discuss what kind of touch is appropriate and what kind of touch is inappropriate for them (note: it is perfectly normal/okay for a child to explore their own body and touch themselves in ways that feel good to them- please don’t shame them for this!) Explain to them that not everybody will respect their privacy, but no matter what, they are entitled to it. Let them know that they do not need to do anything that makes them feel uncomfortable, even if someone is telling them it’s okay. Emphasize that it’s okay to say no to adults in situations that make them feel uncomfortable.

Don’t force your child to hug/kiss/touch anyone

Yes, even family members. If it makes a kid uncomfortable to kiss grandma, don’t make them! You need to encourage their autonomy to choose how they touch others and let them know that it’s okay to not allow touch or initiate touch if they don’t want to! Help them understand that it’s good to have boundaries with their body and make sure that they also understand it’s important to respect other people’s boundaries with their bodies, as well.

Teach them about manipulation

Talk to them about the kinds of things people might say to them to manipulate them into allowing a violation of their privacy. “Nobody will know”, “it’ll feel good”, “you’ll do it if you love me”, “I’ll hurt your mom if you don’t”, etc. Explain to them that this is manipulation, they have every right to say no to their requests, and they should immediately tell you about it if someone says something like this! Let them know that even if this person told them to keep the request or violation secret, they should tell you about it because you need to know this kind of information to keep them safe. Let them know that they will not be in trouble if they tell you about a violation and speaking up will allow you as the parent to prevent them from being put into that situation again.

Be sensitive with your language around touch and sexual encounters

People who have undergone sexual abuse have lots of feelings about the sexual abuse they've undergone. They may feel angry, sad, frustrated, confused, guilty, shameful, scared, or a combination of all of these. These feelings are super tough to navigate, but you can support your child by giving them a non-judgmental space to talk about what has happened to them. What happens after a trauma is very important in shaping a person's feelings and beliefs about the trauma, which is why it’s so important to be aware of the kind of language you are using with children around these topics (especially since you don’t know whether or not a child has been sexually abused- don’t just assume that they haven’t!).

Avoid phrases such as "it's bad when people touch you here"

Or "we don't let people touch us in these places" or anything else that a child could interpret as "I'm bad because of a sexual experience I had." I know you're trying to communicate to them that certain touching is inappropriate, but if they have had any kind of sexual encounters, these kind of phrases can cause children to believe that they are bad for allowing the experience to happen or not doing more to stop it. Children may be coerced or manipulated into consenting to whatever is happening and because they didn't fight it, they can hold on to beliefs that they are bad because they didn't do more to stop it. If not addressed, these beliefs can go on to affect them in the future and cause them to have issues with intimacy and sexual pleasure, among other things. Let them know that whatever happened is not their fault, even if the perpetrator told them that it was.

Unpacking childhood sexual trauma can be rough

But it can also be extremely healing and transformative. If you’re struggling with your own issues due to childhood sexual trauma or trying to support a child who has undergone sexual trauma, schedule a counseling appointment with me to sort some of this out.