Codependency Explained

What is codependency?

Personal experience has led me to believe that most people have a very loose understanding of codependency. Many people can identify some of the characteristics or behavioral patterns of people who struggle with codependency, but they usually lack awareness around why people adopt these behaviors or what purpose these behaviors are serving for them. There are logical reasons why people engage in codependent behaviors. Understanding these reasons can help those of us who struggle with codependency to see that there are other ways of going about getting our needs met AND can help those of us who don’t struggle with codependency to better support those in our lives who do. 

In her book Codependent No More, Melody Beattie gives a pretty all-encompassing definition of codependency. She says, “A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect them and is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.”

Codependency could look like:

The wife of the alcoholic: She stays with her husband through his addiction, sacrificing her own wants and needs to manage his recovery. She grows in resentment with each additional relapse, complaining that he is the source of her problems, but unwilling to leave him.

The man who has no needs: He will drop everything for anyone (even strangers!) He believes it’s selfish to take care of himself, so he always puts his own wants/needs behind everyone else’s. He anticipates others’ needs and is frustrated that others don’t do the same for him. His needs never get met because he is unwilling to ask for help.

The independent child: She grew up with a single mom that emphasized the importance of self-sufficiency. She learned you must do it all on your own because you can’t trust that others will be there to help. She didn’t learn to ask for help, but she did learn to complain, nag, or manipulate to get what she wanted.

Characteristics of codependency:

-You feel responsible for other people and their well-being, feelings, thoughts, actions, wants, and needs.

-You feel anxious, upset, or guilty when other people have a problem and you feel compelled to help them solve their problem.

-You say yes to things you don’t want to do to make others happy and often neglect your own wants/needs in the process.

-You feel more comfortable giving than receiving.

-Though you have difficulty accepting help (and rarely ask for help), you often get frustrated about how infrequently those around you offer help.

-You feel angry, victimized, unappreciated, and used.

-You blame others for these feelings of frustration.

-You get angry and defensive when others blame or criticize you, though you regularly speak to yourself in these same ways.

-You live based on “shoulds”.

-You feel selfish and guilty when you do things for yourself.

-You think poorly of yourself and feel you need to prove your worth to others.

-You settle for being needed by others because you don’t believe you’re wanted.

-You often seek love from people incapable of loving you, which reinforces the idea that you’re unlovable.

-You obsessively worry about what others think about you.

-You center your life around other people.

-You have trouble letting go of control and allowing things to happen naturally.

-You think you know best about how things should turn out and how people should behave.

-You attempt to control or manipulate events or people through helplessness, guilt, coercion, threats, advice-giving, or manipulation.

-You ask for what you want/need indirectly (sighing, huffing/puffing, nagging)

-You let others hurt you and take advantage of you.

-You stay in relationships that are toxic and harmful to you. 

Why do people become codependent?

There are many different reasons why people develop codependent tendencies. I can’t cover all the reasons here, but I’ll explain a few that I see often so you can better understand why codependent people are the way they are.

The classic codependent is a person who is very close to someone with an addiction (usually a partner, parent, or child). Oftentimes, they learn that their loved one is unreliable, unavailable, and in need of care. They learn to cater to their loved one’s needs and deny their own. They lose themselves as they begin orbiting their lives around their loved one. They forget their sense of worth and doubt their sense of self. They resent their loved one for taking so much from them but they don’t leave the situation. They’ve put so much into this relationship and it can’t all be for nothing. They didn’t make all those sacrifices in vain! Their loved one will change. They will help change their loved one. Then everything will be better.

Sometimes the above situation happens without an addiction. Substitute the person struggling with an addiction with a person struggling with an eating disorder, a chronic physical ailment, or severe health/mental health issue and you can get the same codependent situation. People in close relationship with those who struggle with these severe health/mental health issues often adopt codependent tendencies in an attempt to care for their loved one through their illness.

We can also learn codependent behaviors in childhood through the way we’re socialized and taught to engage with others. If you grew up in a super religious home, codependent tendencies may have been revered by those around you. You may have been taught it was honorable to put others before yourself and deny your own desires. You may have learned that you don’t turn your back on family and you never leave a marriage. You may have learned that your purpose is to serve others and unconditionally love. These beliefs are not inherently wrong or bad, but they can lead to (and perpetuate) codependent behaviors.

Little girls are often taught to be polite, kind, submissive, and nurturing. They learn that “good girls” do as they’re told and don’t make waves. Maybe they see mom doing this as well (especially in religious homes where women are expected to submit to their husbands). They learn that “good girls” are to be appreciative of what they get and are to not ask for more. Maybe they see dad come home from work to sit on the couch and watch TV while mom comes home from work to tend to the kids, the house, and dinner. Mom never asks for help and doesn’t expect help, but is very appreciative on the rare occasion that dad does offer even the tiniest bit of help. Girls learn to take on the majority of the caretaking responsibilities and the responsibilities around the house because this is seen as “women’s work.” Women who challenge this are often seen as difficult. Good little girls take on all of these responsibilities and do them dutifully as they’ve been taught.

Little boys are often taught to be strong and heroic. They learn that there are people who need rescuing and that they can be the hero of these people’s stories. Maybe they see how dad always swoops in to fix or solve problems for everyone around him. He’s known to drop everything to help a friend or person in need; how selfless and admirable! What little boy wouldn’t want to be the hero of the story?

People often learn codependent traits from their parents or other caregivers. If mom nags, complains, or emotionally manipulates to get her needs met or desires fulfilled, you may learn to do that as well. If dad talks about how incapable other people are and how important it is for you to be able to do everything on your own without the help of others, you may learn to do that as well. We learn a lot from our caregivers and it can be very enlightening to reflect on the messages we were taught in our childhood to see how they affect us today. 

So, how do I stop engaging in codependent behaviors?

Develop a sense of self-worth: People who lack a strong sense of self-worth are more susceptible to codependent tendencies because they believe others are more worthy of getting their wants/needs met than they are. When you believe you are worthy of getting your wants/needs met, you will stop denying them and start addressing them. 

Set boundaries: People with codependent tendencies often have very loose boundaries, if any at all. They may have had boundaries at some point in time, but they have slowly deteriorated as they have learned to put up with more and more poor treatment from those around them. They allow themselves to be taken advantage of by not saying no and always saying yes. Learning to say no is crucial to ending codependent behavior. You must be able to set the boundaries you need to take care of yourself. Other people’s needs are not more important than your needs. It is not your responsibility to take care of other people. It is your responsibility to take care of yourself.

Ask for what you need directly: I know you’ve been taught it’s not okay to ask for what you want or need. You probably cringe at the thought of asking for help. I get it. But the easiest way to get what you want is to ask for it. Directly. Not by huffing and puffing or complaining about how you have so much to do and nobody to help you. This is annoying. And unhelpful. Challenge the beliefs that perpetuate these behaviors. Humble yourself and ask for help. I know it’s hard, but it’s the only way.

Stay in your lane: Stop taking on responsibility for things that aren’t your responsibility. If someone is upset, those are their feelings to deal with. If someone has a problem, that’s their problem to deal with. Challenge your behaviors and ask yourself: Am I really helping others by saving them? Is it helpful to save someone from experiencing the consequences of their behavior? Or will that just enable them to repeat the behavior again? Would it be more helpful for them to experience the consequences so they can learn to not engage in that behavior again? Sometimes rescuing people is more harmful than it is helpful. 

As someone who has struggled with codependency in the past, I know how difficult it can be to squash these behaviors. The beliefs that perpetuate these behaviors can be deeply ingrained. I’d recommend finding a therapist to help you examine these beliefs so that you can begin to weaken your codependent tendencies. If you’re in Lexington, KY, I’d be more than happy to help! 

How Does Trauma Affect a Person? Anxiety, Depression, Addiction, Eating Disorders

What Is Trauma?

As part of an initial intake at my old job, I was required to ask new clients if they had undergone any kind of trauma in their lifetime. After doing these intakes over and over again, I realized that people don’t really know what trauma is and they don’t really understand how deeply their trauma has affected them. I believe trauma is at the root of most mental health issues, so today I’ll be talking about what trauma is and how it manifests in our lives post-trauma.  

I’m sure there are tons of working definitions for trauma out there, but for today’s purposes:

Trauma is any kind of event or experience that is significantly physically or emotionally threatening or harmful.

This could include a lot of different experiences, including (but not limited to):

• Birth (both the act of giving birth and the event of being birthed)

• A medical procedure or surgery

• A divorce (for adults or for the children of the adults)

• Loss (of a job, pet, family member or friend)

• Violence (witnessing violence or being violated)

• Miscarriage

• Sexual assault

• Childhood neglect or abuse

• Psychological manipulation or coercion (through cults or religions)

• Being bullied by peers

• Being shamed by authority figures

I could go on and on, but the point is that trauma encompasses so much more than just physical or sexual abuse (which is what we usually focus on). You may not feel your dog’s death counts as a trauma, but if it significantly shook you and caused you to feel negatively about your ability to care for another living being to the point that the thought of having kids now terrifies you because if you can’t take care of a dog you sure as hell can’t take care of a kid… I would consider that a trauma. Just because something might not look like a trauma on the surface, doesn’t mean it’s not a trauma. If an event or experience in the past is causing you to act in defense and out of fear in the present, you may be acting out of a trauma.

What does it look like to be acting out of a trauma?

Anxiety as a manifestation of trauma

Anxiety is a message our body sends us to alert us about a potential threat in our environment. Anxiety says, “PAY ATTENTION, YOUR LIFE MIGHT BE AT STAKE!” When we are exposed to life-threatening situations, our body remembers this. It notes: almost got attacked (or did get attacked) while walking through sketchy neighborhood at night, will remember to avoid similar situations in the future in order to stay alive. Whatever stimuli you were exposed to in your near-death situation can then be determined by your body as potentially threatening. So in turn, that neighborhood, the smells and sounds of the night, the clothing of the attacker, etc. can be stored away in your emotional memory as potentially dangerous and worthy of an anxiety response if encountered again. This is your body trying to protect you from future threats. The problem comes when we’re exposed to life-threatening situations often. I’m sure you can imagine if you have lots of situations like these, your body will begin to believe there is threat everywhere and respond appropriately with anxiety. This may result in feeling anxious when exposed to seemingly benign stimuli such as certain materials of clothing or certain smells. These things may alert us to a real threat, but oftentimes they just happen to be a random part of the trauma scenario you endured that actually isn’t a very good predictor of threat. If it snowed on the day you were nearly shot by a mass shooter, it doesn’t mean that snow is a good predictor of threat, but your body may respond to it in such a way because of the way it is stored in your emotional memory. Enough of these memories and we will begin to see threat (and experience anxiety) everywhere.

Depression as a manifestation of trauma

Depression is also a message from our body and it says, “something’s not right here; something needs to change.” It’s an adaptive message that’s supposed to help us get to a better environment where we can thrive, but sometimes we feel helpless in our ability to do anything but accept our crumby circumstances. When we have been traumatized in any way, we feel powerless. When we have been traumatized repeatedly, this feeling is incredibly exacerbated. If you are constantly being put in situations where you are powerless, you will begin to believe that your power is small or non-existent. You will learn to accept this fact and accept your situation as it is, miserable as it may be. Believing you are powerless to change your situation renders you stuck in your depression until you gain an ounce of strength or belief in your strength to make change.

Disassociation as a manifestation of trauma

Traumatic experiences are obviously not fun, which sometimes causes people to do whatever they can to avoid thinking about them ever again. This can result in disassociation, where people become detached from themselves as a measure of protection. Children who experience chronic trauma often learn to separate from themselves during the trauma as they have no means of escape and this is often the only way they can get through the trauma. They pretend like they’re elsewhere to blunt the effects of the horrible thing they’re going through. They may be able to fully return to the person who was traumatized after the trauma is over and they believe they are safe again, but they also may go back and forth between that person and the person they disassociated to as a way to escape the memories of the trauma and return to the safety of the person who was never traumatized in the first place.

Addiction as a manifestation of trauma

Another way we see people escape the memories of a trauma is through addiction.  Drugs, sex, alcohol, work, exercise, social media, etc. can all act as a method of escape. They help get your mind off the traumatic memories and numb you from the pain temporarily. They are a safe, predictable place of comfort in a world riddled by trauma and chaos. 

Eating Disorders as a manifestation of trauma

For those who are more apt to take action and work towards changing their situation or environment, we may see eating disorders develop. Binge-eating disorder can often be a result of sexual trauma as it is theorized that the individual is unconsciously trying to make themselves less desirable and therefore more protected from another sexual assault. Anorexia and bulimia can develop in individuals who have undergone emotional trauma or bullying in an effort to make themselves smaller (maybe even invisible?) so as to not be a target for further trauma.

We’ve all experienced trauma

Trauma happens to all of us and it affects all of us differently. Your trauma may manifest in big ways or it may manifest in small ways. You may have the resources and strength to deal with your past trauma and find adaptive strategies to thrive or you may just be barely hanging on with the maladaptive coping strategies you’ve developed over the years. Wherever you’re at, I feel you. This world is harsh and none of us get through unscathed. If you’re barely hanging on, find someone to talk to or schedule an appointment with me! Nobody’s meant to go through it alone.

What Causes Addiction? And How To Heal

What image comes to mind for you when you think about addiction? A guy shooting up heroin in a public bathroom? A teenager home alone drinking himself into oblivion? A girl buying twenty makeup palettes in one day? A couple binge-watching Netflix for eight hours? A kid eating a whole box of girl scout cookies in one sitting? Addiction comes in many shapes and sizes and my hope at the end of this post is that you will better understand what addiction is and why it’s so prevalent in our society. I don’t think there are any simple answers to these kinds of questions, but I do think the source of our addiction issue lies within our culture. We live in a world we sometimes want to escape and a society we sometimes need a break from. 

Addiction as a result of societal pressures

We are fed messages daily that tell us: 

• We need to look a certain way to be loved

• We need to act a certain way to be well-received 

• We need to have a romantic partner, a thriving career, and babies by a certain age to be successful

• We need to conform to our gender roles, obey societal norms, and be the person our culture is comfortable with to be accepted

The expectations of our society are unrealistic and THEY’RE DRIVING US MAD. We aren’t robots without unique thoughts or opinions or desires. If we pay attention to our body and our mind, we’ll know what we need and we’ll know what we’re lacking. Our bodies send us distress signals when they’re not getting what they need. We feel bad physically when we’re not properly addressing the needs of our body and we feel bad mentally when we’re not properly addressing the needs of our mind. But instead of listening to our inner wisdom, we often listen to society’s messages about what we need. We strive to meet society’s expectations thinking that’s what’s going to make us happy, well-loved, and fulfilled, but find that no matter how well we meet society’s expectations, we’re still stuck with feelings of unhappiness, loneliness, and meaninglessness. 

Addiction as a way to numb pain

Between the stress of making ends meet financially in our not so great economy, keeping up with the trends in our ever-changing culture, staying in shape in the land of fast food and comfort snacks, maintaining healthy relationships in a world of disconnection, and trying to find meaning and purpose in a life we’re unhappy with, it’s near impossible to not want to escape sometimes. Couple all this stress with the fact most of us have been traumatized in some way by this world (and the people in it) and are doing our best to cope with the hurt without continuing the cycle of hurt. If you numb your pain in some way, I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND (I do it, too). It’s really, incredibly difficult to not turn to something to numb your pain or help you escape sometimes.

As humans, we naturally seek to gain pleasure and avoid pain. Nobody wants to feel bad physically or mentally, so we find ways of avoiding our pain by numbing or distracting ourselves. Although this kind of relief is only temporary, we can easily become reliant upon these pain-numbing, pleasure-seeking behaviors as we find that we can always count on them to give us an escape from reality, if only for a minute or two. Addictions are always born out of pain and are the best way many of us know how to deal with our pain. Most of us haven’t been taught how to deal with pain in a healthy way; we learn how to cope by observing how those around us cope. Unfortunately, most people cope with pain by numbing and distracting, so naturally, these are the behaviors we adopt as well.

What is addiction?

Addiction is a cultural disease that we're all predisposed to by being in this world and I believe everyone has engaged an addiction of some sort to some degree at some point in their life. So what exactly constitutes an addiction, you ask? An addiction (in my opinion) is a behavior or thought pattern that you engage in because it brings you pleasure or relief from pain temporarily but comes with negative consequences that get in the way of long-term personal goals and growth. Addictions often dominate our thoughts and are difficult for us to give up. We engage in addictions because they feel good in the moment. We aren't thinking about the future and how it will affect our long-term goals. We're thinking about how to escape the pain we're feeling right now. So we drink or use drugs or go shopping or eat food or have sex or work or exercise or scroll through social media or whatever makes us feel good in the moment to sedate the pain.

The problem? Pleasure never truly satisfies

There's nothing wrong with feeling good and I think it can be perfectly healthy to engage in any of the behaviors listed above in moderation, but when these behaviors become obsessions that hinder our growth and get in the way of our goals, we've got a problem. We will never find true satisfaction from our addictions. Do you ever wonder why you still can't stop after the tenth cookie in the package? Or why you're out shopping for another bathing suit when you already have twelve in your closet? Or why you're having sex with the fourth guy this week and you’re still not satisfied? IT’S BECAUSE PLEASURE NEVER TRULY SATISFIES. Physician and addiction specialist Gabor Maté says, "The reason we do anything one more time is because the last time didn’t really satisfy us deeply."

If we constantly seek things outside ourselves to satisfy our yearning for relief, we will never find relief. Gabor Maté wrote a book called In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction and it’s by far the most helpful book I’ve ever read about addiction. He sums up what I’m trying to say here with this quote: “The sparser the innate joy that springs from being alive, the more fervently we seek joy’s pale substitute, pleasure.” We will continue to obsessively seek pleasure until we find real joy within. We will continue to numb and distract ourselves in an attempt to escape reality until we can come to terms with and accept reality as it is. Resisting reality has never worked for us and will never work for us. We must accept the world as it is and accept ourselves as we are in order to find any kind of peace in this life. We’re not perfect and the world isn’t perfect, but numbing ourselves from this reality will never work for us in the long run.

The answer? Confronting your pain to work towards healing and joy

I want to end by saying your addiction is no better than anyone else’s and your pain is no less significant than anyone else’s. The person struggling with a heroin addiction is no better or worse of a person than the person struggling with a sexual addiction or a food addiction or a shopping addiction. We all have pain and we all deal with pain the best way we know how. What we choose to numb the pain with is largely a product of our environment. If you had drugs in your environment growing up and that’s what you found pleasurable, you will likely turn to drugs for comfort and relief now as this is how you learned to cope with your pain and discomfort. Maybe you didn’t have drugs… maybe it was food or money or video games or television that was at your disposal. Whatever pain relief is available to us is the pain relief we will choose. Some of our addictions have greater stigma and consequences because society has decided they are inherently wrong (esp. drugs) and some of our addictions seem inconsequential (work, exercise, food) because they are glorified in our society. Regardless of how society views your addiction, if you can recognize that you’re numbing and distracting yourself from pain and discomfort, you must take a serious look within to figure out what’s causing your pain if you ever want to find true healing and inner peace.

In Lexington KY and think you’d be a good candidate for addiction therapy?

Contact me today to inquire about scheduling an appointment to process through your pain and work towards healing!