What Do You Mean By Religious Trauma?

Religious trauma refers to lasting harm to a person’s physical, mental, emotional, social, or spiritual health due to the beliefs or experiences they have had within a religious context. This kind of trauma is oftentimes complex because it generally involves a series of experiences and a system of harmful beliefs rather than a single traumatic event. People who have experienced religious trauma may struggle with low self-esteem, perfectionism, chronic anxiety, shame, depression, lack of trust in self, codependency, and sexual dysfunction.

There are a variety of religious beliefs and experiences that can have detrimental effects on people’s health and well-being. The following list is not meant to be exhaustive, but rather a compilation of some of the most common ways I have seen people negatively impacted by religion. I will mostly be referring to the Christian religion as this is where my personal experience lies.

Harmful Beliefs

-Inherent sinfulness: The belief that we are all inherently sinful by nature can be extremely damaging to self-esteem and self-worth.

-Biblical literalism: The belief that the bible is absolute truth can lead people to trust outside sources over themselves and may prohibit critical thinking skills from fully developing. 

-Purity culture: The belief that sex outside of marriage is sinful can lead to delayed social milestones, sexual immaturity, anxiety around sex, and sexual dysfunction. The belief that women must practice modesty to be worthy can lead women to feel shame if they are not ‘modest enough’ and can help enable rape culture in the church as some men will blame women for tempting them into the act because of their immodesty.

-Traditional gender roles: The belief that men should lead and women should submit has caused many women to feel inferior to men and to question their capabilities and worth. 

-Self-sacrifice: The belief that you should put others before yourself (as Jesus did) can lead to codependent and people-pleasing behaviors where people lack healthy boundaries with others and can hinder the development of a sense of self. 

-The belief that God is omniscient and omnipresent can lead to chronic anxiety and self-consciousness. 

Traumatic Experiences

-There are countless individuals who have been publicly shamed or ostracized from the church for doing something deemed sinful by the community (divorce, abortion, having a child out of wedlock, etc.). This kind of experience can lead to shame, isolation, feelings of worthlessness, depression, and suicidal ideation. 

-Many churches talk often about hell and what could land you there, leading many people (especially children) to feel chronically stressed, anxious, and hyperaware of their every move. Some churches even put on a performance around Halloween (aptly named ‘Judgment House’) where audience members are taken scene by scene through a story where young people die in a tragic accident and are then judged to determine their fate in the afterlife. You are taken to ‘hell’ where the scene is dark and ominous and there are actors pretending to be demons. You end the performance in ‘heaven’ where there are church members dressed in all white waiting to pray with you, using lines like “If you were to die after leaving here tonight, do you know where you’d spend eternity?” to elicit emotional responses from the audience. Church members (including children) are encouraged to participate and invite their non-believer family members and friends to the performance. 

-Many LGBTQ+ folks in the church have been told that they are living a sinful life. Some have been encouraged or forced to go to conversion therapy and to reject their identity. Others have been kicked out of positions in the church or pushed out of the church entirely because of their identity. This experience of marginalization and stigmatization can result in low self-worth, an inability to express oneself authentically, an inability to explore one’s sexuality, and sometimes suicide.  

-Sermons about tithing being a demonstration of your trust in God can be very manipulative and can influence people to put themselves through financial hardship to prove their faith or to avoid feeling guilty about not tithing.

Questions and Concerns

When you are immersed in religion, it can be very difficult to challenge religious thought or religious authorities because you are taught to distrust yourself since you are of a ‘sinful nature’. You are taught to trust the bible and the people who are interpreting the bible for you. You are encouraged to put aside doubt and have faith rather than critical thinking. This can cause religious people to feel they can’t question or challenge what’s happening within the church. Though they may be able to recognize that some of these beliefs and experiences are damaging, they may not feel they are able to challenge the authorities on them. 

When people do begin to challenge religious beliefs and authorities, it can feel very destabilizing. It’s common to feel confused and unanchored as old ways of thinking are shed and a new belief system and identity is built. Some people can go through the process of deconstructing their beliefs and remain religious, while others feel leaving the religion is an imperative part of their healing. Leaving a religion can be a very difficult decision to make, though, as it often comes with the loss of community and identity. A person who leaves their religion may lose friends and loved ones (or at the very least have their relationships altered drastically) as it can be difficult for people who are still part of the religion to handle the way these doubts and questions challenge their own beliefs. This can lead to feeling isolated and alone as you question your core beliefs and try on new ways of thinking.

Recovering From Religious Trauma

Following are some practical steps to work towards healing from the effects of religious trauma:

-Grow your critical thinking skills: Ask all the questions, get as many different viewpoints as possible, learn/read/expose yourself to different ideas, analyze and reflect on the information you gather.

-Learn to trust yourself: Observe and reflect on the feelings and physical sensations that come up in your body, listen to gut feelings, reflect on times when your intuition proved to be right, remind yourself that nobody does life perfectly and that we learn through experience. 

-Set boundaries in relationships: Identify relationships where you feel you betray or overextend yourself, determine how you want to feel in those relationships and what parts of yourself you need to preserve to make that happen, communicate directly and be firm with your boundary. 

-Challenge black and white thinking: Remind yourself that there are rarely only two options in a given situation, seek out nuance everywhere you can, challenge yourself to see how many different options/alternatives there possibly could be.  

-Explore who you are and what you believe: Journal, seek out new experiences, talk to new people, ask questions, go to therapy, observe and reflect on your reactions to new people and experiences.

-Find healthy supports: Seek out communities that are accepting of self-exploration, look into secular groups or groups for people recovering from religion, find a therapist who understands religious trauma.

If you are looking for mental health support as you begin your journey of healing from religious trauma, feel free to reach out to me at tivoli@tivoligardenscounseling.com to discuss working together!

How Does Trauma Affect a Person? Anxiety, Depression, Addiction, Eating Disorders

What Is Trauma?

As part of an initial intake at my old job, I was required to ask new clients if they had undergone any kind of trauma in their lifetime. After doing these intakes over and over again, I realized that people don’t really know what trauma is and they don’t really understand how deeply their trauma has affected them. I believe trauma is at the root of most mental health issues, so today I’ll be talking about what trauma is and how it manifests in our lives post-trauma.  

I’m sure there are tons of working definitions for trauma out there, but for today’s purposes:

Trauma is any kind of event or experience that is significantly physically or emotionally threatening or harmful.

This could include a lot of different experiences, including (but not limited to):

• Birth (both the act of giving birth and the event of being birthed)

• A medical procedure or surgery

• A divorce (for adults or for the children of the adults)

• Loss (of a job, pet, family member or friend)

• Violence (witnessing violence or being violated)

• Miscarriage

• Sexual assault

• Childhood neglect or abuse

• Psychological manipulation or coercion (through cults or religions)

• Being bullied by peers

• Being shamed by authority figures

I could go on and on, but the point is that trauma encompasses so much more than just physical or sexual abuse (which is what we usually focus on). You may not feel your dog’s death counts as a trauma, but if it significantly shook you and caused you to feel negatively about your ability to care for another living being to the point that the thought of having kids now terrifies you because if you can’t take care of a dog you sure as hell can’t take care of a kid… I would consider that a trauma. Just because something might not look like a trauma on the surface, doesn’t mean it’s not a trauma. If an event or experience in the past is causing you to act in defense and out of fear in the present, you may be acting out of a trauma.

What does it look like to be acting out of a trauma?

Anxiety as a manifestation of trauma

Anxiety is a message our body sends us to alert us about a potential threat in our environment. Anxiety says, “PAY ATTENTION, YOUR LIFE MIGHT BE AT STAKE!” When we are exposed to life-threatening situations, our body remembers this. It notes: almost got attacked (or did get attacked) while walking through sketchy neighborhood at night, will remember to avoid similar situations in the future in order to stay alive. Whatever stimuli you were exposed to in your near-death situation can then be determined by your body as potentially threatening. So in turn, that neighborhood, the smells and sounds of the night, the clothing of the attacker, etc. can be stored away in your emotional memory as potentially dangerous and worthy of an anxiety response if encountered again. This is your body trying to protect you from future threats. The problem comes when we’re exposed to life-threatening situations often. I’m sure you can imagine if you have lots of situations like these, your body will begin to believe there is threat everywhere and respond appropriately with anxiety. This may result in feeling anxious when exposed to seemingly benign stimuli such as certain materials of clothing or certain smells. These things may alert us to a real threat, but oftentimes they just happen to be a random part of the trauma scenario you endured that actually isn’t a very good predictor of threat. If it snowed on the day you were nearly shot by a mass shooter, it doesn’t mean that snow is a good predictor of threat, but your body may respond to it in such a way because of the way it is stored in your emotional memory. Enough of these memories and we will begin to see threat (and experience anxiety) everywhere.

Depression as a manifestation of trauma

Depression is also a message from our body and it says, “something’s not right here; something needs to change.” It’s an adaptive message that’s supposed to help us get to a better environment where we can thrive, but sometimes we feel helpless in our ability to do anything but accept our crumby circumstances. When we have been traumatized in any way, we feel powerless. When we have been traumatized repeatedly, this feeling is incredibly exacerbated. If you are constantly being put in situations where you are powerless, you will begin to believe that your power is small or non-existent. You will learn to accept this fact and accept your situation as it is, miserable as it may be. Believing you are powerless to change your situation renders you stuck in your depression until you gain an ounce of strength or belief in your strength to make change.

Disassociation as a manifestation of trauma

Traumatic experiences are obviously not fun, which sometimes causes people to do whatever they can to avoid thinking about them ever again. This can result in disassociation, where people become detached from themselves as a measure of protection. Children who experience chronic trauma often learn to separate from themselves during the trauma as they have no means of escape and this is often the only way they can get through the trauma. They pretend like they’re elsewhere to blunt the effects of the horrible thing they’re going through. They may be able to fully return to the person who was traumatized after the trauma is over and they believe they are safe again, but they also may go back and forth between that person and the person they disassociated to as a way to escape the memories of the trauma and return to the safety of the person who was never traumatized in the first place.

Addiction as a manifestation of trauma

Another way we see people escape the memories of a trauma is through addiction.  Drugs, sex, alcohol, work, exercise, social media, etc. can all act as a method of escape. They help get your mind off the traumatic memories and numb you from the pain temporarily. They are a safe, predictable place of comfort in a world riddled by trauma and chaos. 

Eating Disorders as a manifestation of trauma

For those who are more apt to take action and work towards changing their situation or environment, we may see eating disorders develop. Binge-eating disorder can often be a result of sexual trauma as it is theorized that the individual is unconsciously trying to make themselves less desirable and therefore more protected from another sexual assault. Anorexia and bulimia can develop in individuals who have undergone emotional trauma or bullying in an effort to make themselves smaller (maybe even invisible?) so as to not be a target for further trauma.

We’ve all experienced trauma

Trauma happens to all of us and it affects all of us differently. Your trauma may manifest in big ways or it may manifest in small ways. You may have the resources and strength to deal with your past trauma and find adaptive strategies to thrive or you may just be barely hanging on with the maladaptive coping strategies you’ve developed over the years. Wherever you’re at, I feel you. This world is harsh and none of us get through unscathed. If you’re barely hanging on, find someone to talk to or schedule an appointment with me! Nobody’s meant to go through it alone.

How To Talk To Your Child About Sexual Abuse (And Not Further Traumatize Them If It's Already Happened)

Be clear and direct with your language

When you talk to children, you have to be very clear and direct with your language because things can easily be miscommunicated or misinterpreted if you’re not careful. When you’re talking about something as sensitive as sexual abuse or sexual encounters, this is especially important. Kids don’t know the rules of the world- we’re the ones that teach them how things work, so we have to be clear and give them examples of what’s okay and what’s not okay to keep them safe.

Differentiate between appropriate and inappropriate touch

Talk to your kids about their bodies. Help them understand that certain parts of their bodies are private and that this is to keep them safe. Discuss what kind of touch is appropriate and what kind of touch is inappropriate for them (note: it is perfectly normal/okay for a child to explore their own body and touch themselves in ways that feel good to them- please don’t shame them for this!) Explain to them that not everybody will respect their privacy, but no matter what, they are entitled to it. Let them know that they do not need to do anything that makes them feel uncomfortable, even if someone is telling them it’s okay. Emphasize that it’s okay to say no to adults in situations that make them feel uncomfortable.

Don’t force your child to hug/kiss/touch anyone

Yes, even family members. If it makes a kid uncomfortable to kiss grandma, don’t make them! You need to encourage their autonomy to choose how they touch others and let them know that it’s okay to not allow touch or initiate touch if they don’t want to! Help them understand that it’s good to have boundaries with their body and make sure that they also understand it’s important to respect other people’s boundaries with their bodies, as well.

Teach them about manipulation

Talk to them about the kinds of things people might say to them to manipulate them into allowing a violation of their privacy. “Nobody will know”, “it’ll feel good”, “you’ll do it if you love me”, “I’ll hurt your mom if you don’t”, etc. Explain to them that this is manipulation, they have every right to say no to their requests, and they should immediately tell you about it if someone says something like this! Let them know that even if this person told them to keep the request or violation secret, they should tell you about it because you need to know this kind of information to keep them safe. Let them know that they will not be in trouble if they tell you about a violation and speaking up will allow you as the parent to prevent them from being put into that situation again.

Be sensitive with your language around touch and sexual encounters

People who have undergone sexual abuse have lots of feelings about the sexual abuse they've undergone. They may feel angry, sad, frustrated, confused, guilty, shameful, scared, or a combination of all of these. These feelings are super tough to navigate, but you can support your child by giving them a non-judgmental space to talk about what has happened to them. What happens after a trauma is very important in shaping a person's feelings and beliefs about the trauma, which is why it’s so important to be aware of the kind of language you are using with children around these topics (especially since you don’t know whether or not a child has been sexually abused- don’t just assume that they haven’t!).

Avoid phrases such as "it's bad when people touch you here"

Or "we don't let people touch us in these places" or anything else that a child could interpret as "I'm bad because of a sexual experience I had." I know you're trying to communicate to them that certain touching is inappropriate, but if they have had any kind of sexual encounters, these kind of phrases can cause children to believe that they are bad for allowing the experience to happen or not doing more to stop it. Children may be coerced or manipulated into consenting to whatever is happening and because they didn't fight it, they can hold on to beliefs that they are bad because they didn't do more to stop it. If not addressed, these beliefs can go on to affect them in the future and cause them to have issues with intimacy and sexual pleasure, among other things. Let them know that whatever happened is not their fault, even if the perpetrator told them that it was.

Unpacking childhood sexual trauma can be rough

But it can also be extremely healing and transformative. If you’re struggling with your own issues due to childhood sexual trauma or trying to support a child who has undergone sexual trauma, schedule a counseling appointment with me to sort some of this out.