You Deserve To Take Up Space Whether You're _____ (Funny, Smart, Pretty, Nice) Or Not

Self-Worth: Knowing that you don’t need to earn your space

Lately I’ve been working with some amazing people who have this belief that they must earn their space in this world. They must be funny, smart, beautiful, interesting, or attached to a man to be deserving of space. They feel they’re not inherently worthy of taking up space. But if they do enough for those around them, maybe they will be allowed space. Or if they provide enough entertainment/value/wisdom, maybe they will be given space. Or if they attach themselves to someone else, maybe they can take up a small part of their space. I want to let you know right now: YOU DESERVE TO TAKE UP SPACE. No matter how funny, interesting, or smart you are or aren’t. No matter who you’re attached to. No matter what anybody else says. You do not need to earn your space.  

Self-worth: Knowing that you are good just the way you are

So, where does this belief come from? I assume it’s from the many years of being told (directly or indirectly) we’re not right, we’re not good, or we’re not enough if we don’t follow these rules [of society]. In childhood, we’re often told to suppress certain behaviors, thoughts, or feelings because they’re not acceptable to our family unit or society in general. 

Self-worth: Knowing that we don’t have to follow society’s rules

Reject the rules that say don’t talk like that because the ideas and language you’re using are unacceptable and will make people think poorly of you (and possibly result in rejection). Don’t pleasure yourself because exploring your sexuality and seeking pleasure (or space for yourself in this world) is morally wrong. Don’t eat that food because it will cause you to take up more space physically in this world, which is seen as undisciplined and greedy (therefore bad).

Self-worth: Knowing you are wholly worthy of being seen

For a child, these messages often translate into ‘certain parts of me or certain desires/passions of mine are unacceptable or unworthy of being seen.’  We as a society teach our young that certain desires, passions, identities, and interests should be avoided or hidden in order to be accepted into society. If we hide these parts of ourselves, we don’t feel totally free (and that’s a shame). But if we show them, we risk being rejected, told that we don’t belong, and feeling that we must earn our space back by following the rules more closely.

Choose freedom over confinement

If you feel at odds with yourself because you want to show more of your true self to the world but feel that this will lead to rejection, please choose the possibility of rejection over the confinement of society’s rules. You deserve to take up space simply because you exist. If someone has told you otherwise, maybe they’re trying to inhabit a space they shouldn’t be in or maybe you need to move your space elsewhere. There is space for you in this world, but maybe you just haven’t found where that space is yet. Keep looking! 

You Don’t Have To Follow Social Norms : The Guide To Breaking All The Rules

Why do we deprive ourselves of things we love?

I was talking to my dad on the phone the other day and asking him what kind of cake he’d like for his birthday. He said, “I’m trying to stay away from sweets right now.” There was one point in my life where I would have nodded my head with understanding but now the statement appalls me and makes me so sad. You’re trying to stay away from something you like? Why!?

What rules do you have for yourself?

What rules have you adopted for society’s sake? A few rules I used to have for myself to keep my body size acceptable for society were 1) work out at least 5 times a week 2) don’t eat gluten 3) restrict sweets. I wasn’t doing these things for health reasons- it was almost entirely for aesthetics. Didn’t work and made me miserable, but that’s a different story for another time.

We all follow rules or norms for the purpose of being acceptable to society

We may not follow these rules consciously with awareness, but we get messages from society about how to act and present ourselves all the time and it’s impossible to rage against the machine and avoid assimilating 100% of the time. So I would ask yourself what rules do you follow for the purpose of being accepted in to our current day society? Maybe your rules have been adopted to fit into your religious community or your work environment or your family unit. Maybe they’re rules you’ve adopted from your parents or picked up from friends. It doesn’t really matter where they’ve come from, but it does matter how they’re serving you. And if they’re not serving you, you need to throw them in the garbage.

How are society’s rules serving you?

If it doesn’t serve you to deprive yourself of sex until marriage, have sex before marriage. If it doesn’t serve you to exercise every day, take time for rest. If it doesn’t serve you to be in a monogamous relationship, look into consensual nonmonogamy. If it doesn’t serve you to spend time with family members that are toxic, cut them out of your life. If it doesn’t serve you to pretend you agree with the beliefs of your friends or coworkers, tell them your own beliefs and see what happens. If something isn’t serving you, you’re going to remain frustrated and miserable until you put an end to it. Accept that people may not accept you if you go against the grain. But with this, recognize that 1) the tribe you want around you will accept you and 2) you will be able to accept yourself more when you start to practice behaviors that serve you. When you aren’t going against the things you believe or hiding who you are and what you feel, you surprisingly feel a lot better about yourself.

What do you value according to the rules you follow?

If you follow rules that require you to 1) do things you don’t like doing or that feel bad to you and/or 2) avoid doing things you like doing or that feel good to you, ask yourself why. Why do you deprive yourself of things you like? Why do you force yourself to do things you don’t like? Obviously because of a value you hold. So why do you value that thing or that opinion or that belief? If your reason for depriving yourself of sweets and delicious food is so that you can try to maintain a certain body weight so that people will find you attractive and want to be with you, what are you saying you value? Shallow relationships? If your love language is touch but you deprive yourself of sex before marriage because a book that you value and a community you cherish recommended it, what does that mean you value? The wisdom of others rather than your own wisdom? If you disagree with the opinions of others but choose to not have discussion around your disagreements out of fear of ruffling feathers, what are you valuing there? Social approval and acceptance?

Rejecting social norms can result in social rejection

Okay, I know it’s not easy to let go of all the rules because it oftentimes does come with the price of social rejection.  I understand the reality of this, which is why I still find myself hanging on to rules that don’t serve me. I think the first step to letting go of these rules is just naming them and calling them out. I would encourage you to make a list of your rules so that you can begin exploring why you follow them. And then experiment with breaking them. 

Rejecting social norms can help you find your tribe

There are tons of amazing humans out there that will accept you for whatever way you want to express yourself or show yourself to the world. Beginning to reject status quo and make your own rules can help you find these people. When we allow ourselves to be free, others are often more attracted to us anyways. And they yearn to find some of that freedom for themselves.

To show you my humanity, here’s a list of rules I’ve been struggling with lately: 

-Avoid speaking your opinion on _______ (race, gender, politics, religion, monogamy) in mixed company so as to avoid being labeled an extreme liberal or crazy feminist

-Don’t discuss the newfound freedom you’ve found since leaving Christianity with anyone remotely Christian so you can avoid being looked at as a sinner that needs to be saved

-Avoid showing tattoos in professional spaces so as not to be seen as unprofessional

-Don’t talk about your thoughts on why masturbation and polyamory should be celebrated in order to avoid people discounting you entirely for your ‘radical ideas’

Start breaking society’s rules and share the freedom with a friend!

Sharing my rules with others often helps me realize that I’m not alone in feeling the way I do and gives me the support and encouragement I need to start breaking my rules. Make your list and share it with a trusted friend. See how they react. If you don’t have a trusted friend, make an appointment with a therapist that provides a judgment free zone for you to process things like this! 

How To Support A Loved One With An Eating Disorder

Don’t give unsolicited health advice to someone struggling with an eating disorder

I’m sure you have good intentions when you give unsolicited health advice to loved ones, but I’m here to tell you, they don’t want or need this! We all get enough of this from society and the media, so let’s give each other a break. Your unsolicited advice is most likely causing more harm than good. And today I’m going to talk about some of the ways you may unintentionally be harming your loved ones and causing them to perpetuate harmful behavior patterns so that you can avoid doing this in the future. Creating an environment that promotes health can be difficult in our culture and I’m sure you’re wondering where to even start…

Stop making comments about weight/body size

If you make a comment insinuating your loved one need to lose weight, this can obviously cause them to spiral into unhealthy patterns of behavior with eating and exercise, as well as unhealthy patterns of thinking with body shame and eating guilt. But it works the other way, as well. If you make a comment about how great your loved one looks now that they’ve lost weight, that encourages them to continue with whatever patterns of behavior and thinking it took for them to get there. You might not think this is harmful, but you don’t know what’s going on for them. Maybe they lost the weight because they got sick for a couple weeks and couldn’t eat normally. Or they tried out a new fad diet that cut out food groups they enjoy and which isn’t really sustainable long-term for them. Or they started a crazy new workout regimen that causes them to feel tired and sore all the time. Or they developed an eating disorder. The point is, you don’t know what’s going on for them! You don’t know why they lost weight. It could be that they are practicing much unhealthier behavior than what they were practicing before (at their heavier weight) and you making a comment about their weight reinforces the idea that they should continue to practice these unhealthier behavior and thought patterns to try to maintain this new body size.

Stop making comments about appearance in general

We are so much more than our bodies. We focus so much on the way we look, but we are not decorative objects and we were not put on this earth to look pretty! We need to stop objectifying ourselves and others by refraining from comments about appearance. Besides, how much better does it feel to be affirmed for your personality or intelligence?! Compliments about internal qualities that we can cultivate and change are much more meaningful than compliments about external qualities that we don’t have much control over (our appearance and our body size). Our bodies will always be changing and we don’t have a whole lot of control over the ways they change. If we could channel the energy we put towards changing our bodies into energy to change our minds, we could be living much more fulfilling lives. By focusing on the things we don’t have much control over (and don’t matter much), we distract ourselves from focusing on the things we do have control over (and that really matter)! Encourage your loved ones by focusing on and admiring the qualities that truly make them who they are- their strength, resilience, intelligence, kindness, etc. See how different it feels for you. Start giving yourself compliments on your inner qualities and see how that feels. Appreciate your loved one’s body for being the house to the incredible spirit inside. Thank your own body for housing your own incredible spirit. Focus on further cultivating what’s within. You’ll notice it feels a lot better to focus on the things you can change rather than dwelling on the things you cannot.

Stop insinuating that health can be determined by size

To support your loved one and create a better culture for those who struggle with food and their body, educate yourself and investigate your beliefs around health and fat. If you believe that healthy=thin and unhealthy=fat, do a little soul-searching. What’s going on there to make you believe this and where does this belief come from? Has the media or culture manipulated you into believing that you must be thin to be healthy in order to make a profit off you? We live in a world that has told us we are unhealthy if we weigh a certain amount or eat a certain way, but health is far more than what we put into our bodies and weight does not determine health. There are far better health predictors than weight. If you’re not on board with this, read Health at Every Size to change your mind.

Dig in to any other beliefs you have around fat

Do you believe fat=lazy, stupid, gross, or morally inferior? Are you scared that if you’re fat or if you become fat, that would mean you are all of those things? Break down those beliefs, baby! Fat doesn’t mean any of these things! It’s perfectly okay to have fat on your body and fat does not mean that you are lazy or unintelligent or undisciplined. Fat means that your body is doing it’s job and fighting to keep you alive and thriving by taking in as much energy as it can. Fat means you are doing your best to take care of yourself. Maybe your body needs to be a bigger size to feel healthy and safe. Or maybe eating is the best way you know to cope with life. There’s nothing wrong with this, you’re doing the best you can with the tools you’ve got! It’s nobody’s business how you take care of yourself and it’s not your business how other people take care of themselves. We need to stop insinuating that people are inferior if they don’t fit our idea of health or beauty. You don’t insinuate that someone is less than if they aren’t getting adequate sleep or if they’re not addressing their social needs, so why would you judge someone as less than because of the way they address their nutritional needs? We’re all doing the best we can to take care of our bodies the best way we know how. Practice empathy with others (and yourself!) as you recognize that everyone is doing the best they can to address all their bodies’ needs.

Stop making comments about the food your loved one is putting into their body

Their body, their choice. People are so much more than their food choices, so please stop doing this. If they’re eating foods that don’t nourish them physically or mentally, they’re already feeling it, so no need to add to this. If they’re eating foods that nourish their bodies physically and mentally, wonderful! Either way, you shouldn’t have anything to say about it.

Stop commenting on the amount of movement they’re getting in their day

Same thing with the amount of movement your loved one is getting in their day. Our bodies want to move, but not when movement is a punishment for our food choices or a chore we have to do to maintain a certain body size. Help your loved one connect with joyful movement and find ways they like to move their body; don’t encourage exercise that feels like a punishment or a chore. We need a healthy relationship with movement and we’ll never get this when we associate it with weight management.

Improve your own body image

Lastly, stop degrading and hating on bodies (others and your own)! When you fully accept your own body, you stop criticizing or wanting to change others bodies as well. Your body is wonderful and allows you to have fantastic experiences throughout this world. It doesn’t need to be a certain size to have wonderful experiences and there’s no need to struggle against it because of the way it looks on the outside. The more we hate on our own bodies and others’ bodies, the more distracted we are from the things that really matter in our lives. Accept that bodies are diverse and are not meant to look the same. Accept the body you’ve been given and live happily in that body because it’s the only one you’ve got and it’s doing it’s best to keep you alive and thriving!

If you have further questions about how to best support a loved one with an eating disorder or would like to schedule a therapy appointment with me to process through any of this, contact me!