How To Support A Loved One With An Eating Disorder

Don’t give unsolicited health advice to someone struggling with an eating disorder

I’m sure you have good intentions when you give unsolicited health advice to loved ones, but I’m here to tell you, they don’t want or need this! We all get enough of this from society and the media, so let’s give each other a break. Your unsolicited advice is most likely causing more harm than good. And today I’m going to talk about some of the ways you may unintentionally be harming your loved ones and causing them to perpetuate harmful behavior patterns so that you can avoid doing this in the future. Creating an environment that promotes health can be difficult in our culture and I’m sure you’re wondering where to even start…

Stop making comments about weight/body size

If you make a comment insinuating your loved one need to lose weight, this can obviously cause them to spiral into unhealthy patterns of behavior with eating and exercise, as well as unhealthy patterns of thinking with body shame and eating guilt. But it works the other way, as well. If you make a comment about how great your loved one looks now that they’ve lost weight, that encourages them to continue with whatever patterns of behavior and thinking it took for them to get there. You might not think this is harmful, but you don’t know what’s going on for them. Maybe they lost the weight because they got sick for a couple weeks and couldn’t eat normally. Or they tried out a new fad diet that cut out food groups they enjoy and which isn’t really sustainable long-term for them. Or they started a crazy new workout regimen that causes them to feel tired and sore all the time. Or they developed an eating disorder. The point is, you don’t know what’s going on for them! You don’t know why they lost weight. It could be that they are practicing much unhealthier behavior than what they were practicing before (at their heavier weight) and you making a comment about their weight reinforces the idea that they should continue to practice these unhealthier behavior and thought patterns to try to maintain this new body size.

Stop making comments about appearance in general

We are so much more than our bodies. We focus so much on the way we look, but we are not decorative objects and we were not put on this earth to look pretty! We need to stop objectifying ourselves and others by refraining from comments about appearance. Besides, how much better does it feel to be affirmed for your personality or intelligence?! Compliments about internal qualities that we can cultivate and change are much more meaningful than compliments about external qualities that we don’t have much control over (our appearance and our body size). Our bodies will always be changing and we don’t have a whole lot of control over the ways they change. If we could channel the energy we put towards changing our bodies into energy to change our minds, we could be living much more fulfilling lives. By focusing on the things we don’t have much control over (and don’t matter much), we distract ourselves from focusing on the things we do have control over (and that really matter)! Encourage your loved ones by focusing on and admiring the qualities that truly make them who they are- their strength, resilience, intelligence, kindness, etc. See how different it feels for you. Start giving yourself compliments on your inner qualities and see how that feels. Appreciate your loved one’s body for being the house to the incredible spirit inside. Thank your own body for housing your own incredible spirit. Focus on further cultivating what’s within. You’ll notice it feels a lot better to focus on the things you can change rather than dwelling on the things you cannot.

Stop insinuating that health can be determined by size

To support your loved one and create a better culture for those who struggle with food and their body, educate yourself and investigate your beliefs around health and fat. If you believe that healthy=thin and unhealthy=fat, do a little soul-searching. What’s going on there to make you believe this and where does this belief come from? Has the media or culture manipulated you into believing that you must be thin to be healthy in order to make a profit off you? We live in a world that has told us we are unhealthy if we weigh a certain amount or eat a certain way, but health is far more than what we put into our bodies and weight does not determine health. There are far better health predictors than weight. If you’re not on board with this, read Health at Every Size to change your mind.

Dig in to any other beliefs you have around fat

Do you believe fat=lazy, stupid, gross, or morally inferior? Are you scared that if you’re fat or if you become fat, that would mean you are all of those things? Break down those beliefs, baby! Fat doesn’t mean any of these things! It’s perfectly okay to have fat on your body and fat does not mean that you are lazy or unintelligent or undisciplined. Fat means that your body is doing it’s job and fighting to keep you alive and thriving by taking in as much energy as it can. Fat means you are doing your best to take care of yourself. Maybe your body needs to be a bigger size to feel healthy and safe. Or maybe eating is the best way you know to cope with life. There’s nothing wrong with this, you’re doing the best you can with the tools you’ve got! It’s nobody’s business how you take care of yourself and it’s not your business how other people take care of themselves. We need to stop insinuating that people are inferior if they don’t fit our idea of health or beauty. You don’t insinuate that someone is less than if they aren’t getting adequate sleep or if they’re not addressing their social needs, so why would you judge someone as less than because of the way they address their nutritional needs? We’re all doing the best we can to take care of our bodies the best way we know how. Practice empathy with others (and yourself!) as you recognize that everyone is doing the best they can to address all their bodies’ needs.

Stop making comments about the food your loved one is putting into their body

Their body, their choice. People are so much more than their food choices, so please stop doing this. If they’re eating foods that don’t nourish them physically or mentally, they’re already feeling it, so no need to add to this. If they’re eating foods that nourish their bodies physically and mentally, wonderful! Either way, you shouldn’t have anything to say about it.

Stop commenting on the amount of movement they’re getting in their day

Same thing with the amount of movement your loved one is getting in their day. Our bodies want to move, but not when movement is a punishment for our food choices or a chore we have to do to maintain a certain body size. Help your loved one connect with joyful movement and find ways they like to move their body; don’t encourage exercise that feels like a punishment or a chore. We need a healthy relationship with movement and we’ll never get this when we associate it with weight management.

Improve your own body image

Lastly, stop degrading and hating on bodies (others and your own)! When you fully accept your own body, you stop criticizing or wanting to change others bodies as well. Your body is wonderful and allows you to have fantastic experiences throughout this world. It doesn’t need to be a certain size to have wonderful experiences and there’s no need to struggle against it because of the way it looks on the outside. The more we hate on our own bodies and others’ bodies, the more distracted we are from the things that really matter in our lives. Accept that bodies are diverse and are not meant to look the same. Accept the body you’ve been given and live happily in that body because it’s the only one you’ve got and it’s doing it’s best to keep you alive and thriving!

If you have further questions about how to best support a loved one with an eating disorder or would like to schedule a therapy appointment with me to process through any of this, contact me!

Are Your Eating Habits Disordered?

Healthy eating habits:

• Eating when you’re hungry

• Noticing how foods make you feel and eating foods that help your body feel good

• Eating foods you enjoy

• Feeling calm about the eating experience

• Eating a variety of foods to satisfy your mental and physical needs

• Listening to your body for cues on what to eat, when to eat, and how much to eat

• Eating for enjoyment and nutrition

• Eating until you’re satisfied

Unhealthy eating habits:

• Not eating when you’re hungry

• Labeling or judging certain foods or food groups as ‘bad’ or ‘unhealthy’

• Restricting foods you enjoy for non-medical reasons

• Feeling anxious about the eating experience

• Eating foods you don’t enjoy as punishment or in the name of health

• Counting calories, macros, grams of fat or sugar; weighing food

• Using food as a reward

• Eating to the point of discomfort frequently

Disordered eating is common and sometimes seen as normal in our society

I wanted to create this list to promote awareness around what disordered eating looks like. You may want to push back on some of the things you see on the list of ‘unhealthy eating habits’ and that’s okay. You learn a lot of your eating habits in childhood and challenging these can be difficult for a lot of reasons (Does this mean my parents were wrong in telling me certain foods were bad and should be avoided? I’ve been taught to trust outside sources for what I need, could I really trust myself for that wisdom? Surely if I trusted my body, I’d be eating pizza and ice cream for the rest of my days like Dad always joked about, right?) Learning to make peace with food is difficult and can require a lot of work.

Disordered eating usually starts with a person going on a diet

Sometimes suggested at the advice of a well-intentioned friend, family member, or health professional. Maybe they lose a little weight and are praised. This can turn into constant restricting, which often leads to bingeing (and sometimes purging). Purging is the one behavior that everyone can recognize as disordered. If you do this, you know your eating is disordered in some way. But other disordered behaviors are a little sneakier. If you restrict all the time, you can rationalize it in your mind by saying you’re on a diet or are just very careful about your eating. If you binge all the time, you can rationalize it by saying you’re just an emotional eater going through a rough patch. Regardless of how you spin it in your mind, it’s still not healthy!

Disordered eating is encouraged by diet culture

A lot of us hang on to disordered eating habits because they feel safe and we feel supported in them. Our culture is a big supporter of disordered eating habits.. Fasting is in right now and I’ve seen people doing up to 22 hour fasts daily without thinking this was at all disordered. Ignoring your body’s cues and needs for hunger is not healthy! I get that our bodies can survive through long periods of famine, but this does not mean we should subject our bodies to long periods of famine unnecessarily. If fasting works for you, great! But I would challenge you to really ask yourself if it’s working for you. Are you really getting the nutrients you need to get you through the day feeling awesome?

‘Healthy eating’ isn’t just about the foods you put into your body

If your constantly anxious or fearful around certain foods, this is not healthy! Health is not just physical. If you don’t take into account your mental health when considering your eating habits, you’re missing a big part of the picture. You may be the world’s most self-controlled person and only put ‘clean’ unprocessed, whole food into your body. Wonderful, round of applause for you. How do you feel mentally? Do you feel like you’re missing out on life and fun because of it? If you do, what’s the deal with all the restriction? Chances are, if you’re restricting certain foods because you think they’re ‘bad’ and are going to ruin your health, you’re restricting in other areas of your life, as well. Where else might you be restricting yourself from enjoyment and pleasure? And why?! Life isn’t meant for suffering and restricting!

Healthy eating is trusting your body

It can be difficult to trust your body and make peace with food. We are taught to trust others for nutritional advice or general health advice because we’ve been taught that others know better than we do. Eating shouldn’t be hard, though; we’ve been doing it since the beginning of time without dietitians or health experts. We have greatly overcomplicated eating, but it doesn’t have to be this way! Our bodies are wise and know what we need. Tune in to your body and give it what it needs.

If you need extra support, contact me to schedule a counseling appointment!

What is Intuitive Eating? 10 Steps to Mindful & Intuitive Eating

Ditching diet culture

It’s so difficult to maintain a healthy relationship with food in our culture where dieting is the norm and avoiding certain foods is seen as a good or wise thing to do. We’re taught to feel shame if we indulge in certain foods and learn to resent the bodies we have because of our indulgences. We listen to how culture tells us to eat rather than listening to our bodies because we don’t trust that we know what we need. We restrict ourselves from certain foods, set goals for our food intake, and then berate ourselves when we eat the food we promised ourselves we’d stay away from. This is diet culture and it’s super toxic.

We need food and eating food makes us feel good but somehow we’ve demonized food in our culture. There are certain foods that are bad and you should feel guilty if you eat them. To that I’d say if you stole the food you feel guilty about eating, I’ll allow you to feel guilty. Otherwise, the guilt is a little unnecessary don’t you think?

There’s no reason to feel guilty about something you ate. If you ate it and it made you feel bad physically, you’re already suffering enough. If you ate it and it made you feel good physically, your body is happy with the sacrifice you’ve given it and there’s no reason to feel bad. When we can practice mindfulness around how the food we eat affects our body, we are better able to fuel our body so it can help us meet our needs.

What is mindful eating?

I think people complicate the term mindfulness; think of mindfulness simply as being aware and intentional. You’re eating an orange? Mindful eating would require you to be aware of the orange: it’s flavor, texture, and smell. It would require you to think about the orange’s journey to you and all the hands required to get the food into your body: the farmer, the shipper, the grocery store worker. You would practice gratitude for those hands and for the food itself. You would think about how the food will nourish you and enable you to do the things you love. You would not label the orange as good or bad and you would not judge yourself as good or bad for eating the orange. You would chew slowly and savor the flavor. You would stop eating when your body tells you to, not when the portion you served yourself is gone. Those are the basics: practicing awareness and gratitude around food, thinking about the source and purpose of food, not judging the experience of eating, and listening to your body in regards to it’s needs for food.

What is intuitive eating?

Intuitive eating incorporates mindfulness into it’s principles but also focuses heavily on ditching diet culture and cultivating respect for your body. The focus of intuitive eating is in transforming your relationship with food and your body as our culture often causes our relationship to these things to be pretty poor.

10 Steps to Mindful & Intuitive Eating

Eat when you’re hungry

Hunger is the body’s way of telling us that we’re lacking sustenance. If you try to fight off hunger, you will end up at the refrigerator at midnight gorging on whatever you can get your hands on because your body will be in famine mode. Your body is just trying to survive and hunger is it’s way of letting you know it needs something more than you’re giving it!

Honor your feelings without using food

A lot of times we eat for reasons other than hunger, so we have to learn how to stop chewing our worries and pain. Ask yourself why you’re turning to food and what purpose it’s serving for you. Are you eating because you’re bored? Sad? Angry? Stressed? Food might not be the best way to deal with these emotions; take action to really address your body’s messages of discomfort/pain rather than distracting your body with temporary pleasure.

Respect and practice gratitude for your food

Think about where it came from and how it got to your plate. Acknowledge all the hands it took to bring this nourishment to your body. Remind yourself that it’s a privilege to have access to an abundance of food and respect food for the miracle that it is.

Set the table before eating

Okay, so you don’t actually need to set the table, but you do need to metaphorically set the table.  Make time for the meal. Sit down to eat. Relax. Breathe. Get yourself in the right headspace to properly experience the meal.

Enjoy your food!

Don’t be thinking about the ten thousand other things going on in your life and don’t allow any outside distractions (phone, TV, work) while eating. Think about the food you’re putting into your mouth. You have to eat, so you might as well enjoy it!

Eat slowly

Chew your food and put your utensils down between bites. Notice how your body changes with each bite. Pay attention to how your body responds to different foods. Recognize when your body has had enough.

Respect your body!

Give it what it needs! And stop giving it what it doesn’t need! Listen to what it’s telling you and respond appropriately. If your body tells you it needs more of something (food, exercise, rest, etc.), give it that! If it tells you it’s had enough, honor that! Your body is not a machine and it’s needs are always changing. Honor your body and it’s needs.

Eat (mostly) for nourishment

Food is nourishment for your body. Think about what foods give your mind and body the energy and strength they need to thrive and choose food based on these factors. 

But stop labeling and judging your food

If a food makes you feel good physically and mentally, stop labeling it as bad! When we set certain foods or food groups as off-limits and restrict our access to them, this makes us want them more! When we allow ourselves to freely eat the foods that make us feel good, we’ll stop gorging on ‘restricted’ food.

And please stop labeling and judging your eating habits as good or bad

We must get out of the diet mentality and stop judging our ‘performance’ around food. If you want to indulge in dessert, do it! This doesn’t make you bad and it isn’t a moral failure. If you continue to judge your eating habits as good or bad, you will continue the cycle of guilt and shame you feel after indulging or eating a ‘forbidden food’.

Interested in starting therapy to begin healing your relationship with food and your body? Shoot me an email or book an appointment with me. Know somebody else who could benefit from this information? Send it to them!