Be clear and direct with your language
When you talk to children, you have to be very clear and direct with your language because things can easily be miscommunicated or misinterpreted if you’re not careful. When you’re talking about something as sensitive as sexual abuse or sexual encounters, this is especially important. Kids don’t know the rules of the world- we’re the ones that teach them how things work, so we have to be clear and give them examples of what’s okay and what’s not okay to keep them safe.
Differentiate between appropriate and inappropriate touch
Talk to your kids about their bodies. Help them understand that certain parts of their bodies are private and that this is to keep them safe. Discuss what kind of touch is appropriate and what kind of touch is inappropriate for them (note: it is perfectly normal/okay for a child to explore their own body and touch themselves in ways that feel good to them- please don’t shame them for this!) Explain to them that not everybody will respect their privacy, but no matter what, they are entitled to it. Let them know that they do not need to do anything that makes them feel uncomfortable, even if someone is telling them it’s okay. Emphasize that it’s okay to say no to adults in situations that make them feel uncomfortable.
Don’t force your child to hug/kiss/touch anyone
Yes, even family members. If it makes a kid uncomfortable to kiss grandma, don’t make them! You need to encourage their autonomy to choose how they touch others and let them know that it’s okay to not allow touch or initiate touch if they don’t want to! Help them understand that it’s good to have boundaries with their body and make sure that they also understand it’s important to respect other people’s boundaries with their bodies, as well.
Teach them about manipulation
Talk to them about the kinds of things people might say to them to manipulate them into allowing a violation of their privacy. “Nobody will know”, “it’ll feel good”, “you’ll do it if you love me”, “I’ll hurt your mom if you don’t”, etc. Explain to them that this is manipulation, they have every right to say no to their requests, and they should immediately tell you about it if someone says something like this! Let them know that even if this person told them to keep the request or violation secret, they should tell you about it because you need to know this kind of information to keep them safe. Let them know that they will not be in trouble if they tell you about a violation and speaking up will allow you as the parent to prevent them from being put into that situation again.
Be sensitive with your language around touch and sexual encounters
People who have undergone sexual abuse have lots of feelings about the sexual abuse they've undergone. They may feel angry, sad, frustrated, confused, guilty, shameful, scared, or a combination of all of these. These feelings are super tough to navigate, but you can support your child by giving them a non-judgmental space to talk about what has happened to them. What happens after a trauma is very important in shaping a person's feelings and beliefs about the trauma, which is why it’s so important to be aware of the kind of language you are using with children around these topics (especially since you don’t know whether or not a child has been sexually abused- don’t just assume that they haven’t!).
Avoid phrases such as "it's bad when people touch you here"
Or "we don't let people touch us in these places" or anything else that a child could interpret as "I'm bad because of a sexual experience I had." I know you're trying to communicate to them that certain touching is inappropriate, but if they have had any kind of sexual encounters, these kind of phrases can cause children to believe that they are bad for allowing the experience to happen or not doing more to stop it. Children may be coerced or manipulated into consenting to whatever is happening and because they didn't fight it, they can hold on to beliefs that they are bad because they didn't do more to stop it. If not addressed, these beliefs can go on to affect them in the future and cause them to have issues with intimacy and sexual pleasure, among other things. Let them know that whatever happened is not their fault, even if the perpetrator told them that it was.
Unpacking childhood sexual trauma can be rough
But it can also be extremely healing and transformative. If you’re struggling with your own issues due to childhood sexual trauma or trying to support a child who has undergone sexual trauma, schedule a counseling appointment with me to sort some of this out.