What image comes to mind for you when you think about addiction? A guy shooting up heroin in a public bathroom? A teenager home alone drinking himself into oblivion? A girl buying twenty makeup palettes in one day? A couple binge-watching Netflix for eight hours? A kid eating a whole box of girl scout cookies in one sitting? Addiction comes in many shapes and sizes and my hope at the end of this post is that you will better understand what addiction is and why it’s so prevalent in our society. I don’t think there are any simple answers to these kinds of questions, but I do think the source of our addiction issue lies within our culture. We live in a world we sometimes want to escape and a society we sometimes need a break from.
Addiction as a result of societal pressures
We are fed messages daily that tell us:
We need to look a certain way to be loved
We need to act a certain way to be well-received
We need to have a romantic partner, a thriving career, and babies by a certain age to be successful
We need to conform to our gender roles, obey societal norms, and be the person our culture is comfortable with to be accepted
The expectations of our society are unrealistic and THEY’RE DRIVING US MAD. We aren’t robots without unique thoughts or opinions or desires. If we pay attention to our body and our mind, we’ll know what we need and we’ll know what we’re lacking. Our bodies send us distress signals when they’re not getting what they need. We feel bad physically when we’re not properly addressing the needs of our body and we feel bad mentally when we’re not properly addressing the needs of our mind. But instead of listening to our inner wisdom, we often listen to society’s messages about what we need. We strive to meet society’s expectations thinking that’s what’s going to make us happy, well-loved, and fulfilled, but find that no matter how well we meet society’s expectations, we’re still stuck with feelings of unhappiness, loneliness, and meaninglessness.
Addiction as a way to numb pain
Between the stress of making ends meet financially in our not so great economy, keeping up with the trends in our ever-changing culture, staying in shape in the land of fast food and comfort snacks, maintaining healthy relationships in a world of disconnection, and trying to find meaning and purpose in a life we’re unhappy with, it’s near impossible to not want to escape sometimes. Couple all this stress with the fact most of us have been traumatized in some way by this world (and the people in it) and are doing our best to cope with the hurt without continuing the cycle of hurt. If you numb your pain in some way, I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND (I do it, too). It’s really, incredibly difficult to not turn to something to numb your pain or help you escape sometimes.
As humans, we naturally seek to gain pleasure and avoid pain. Nobody wants to feel bad physically or mentally, so we find ways of avoiding our pain by numbing or distracting ourselves. Although this kind of relief is only temporary, we can easily become reliant upon these pain-numbing, pleasure-seeking behaviors as we find that we can always count on them to give us an escape from reality, if only for a minute or two. Addictions are always born out of pain and are the best way many of us know how to deal with our pain. Most of us haven’t been taught how to deal with pain in a healthy way; we learn how to cope by observing how those around us cope. Unfortunately, most people cope with pain by numbing and distracting, so naturally, these are the behaviors we adopt as well.
What is addiction?
Addiction is a cultural disease that we're all predisposed to by being in this world and I believe everyone has engaged an addiction of some sort to some degree at some point in their life. So what exactly constitutes an addiction, you ask? An addiction (in my opinion) is a behavior or thought pattern that you engage in because it brings you pleasure or relief from pain temporarily but comes with negative consequences that get in the way of long-term personal goals and growth. Addictions often dominate our thoughts and are difficult for us to give up. We engage in addictions because they feel good in the moment. We aren't thinking about the future and how it will affect our long-term goals. We're thinking about how to escape the pain we're feeling right now. So we drink or use drugs or go shopping or eat food or have sex or work or exercise or scroll through social media or whatever makes us feel good in the moment to sedate the pain.
The problem? Pleasure never truly satisfies
There's nothing wrong with feeling good and I think it can be perfectly healthy to engage in any of the behaviors listed above in moderation, but when these behaviors become obsessions that hinder our growth and get in the way of our goals, we've got a problem. We will never find true satisfaction from our addictions. Do you ever wonder why you still can't stop after the tenth cookie in the package? Or why you're out shopping for another bathing suit when you already have twelve in your closet? Or why you're having sex with the fourth guy this week and you’re still not satisfied? IT’S BECAUSE PLEASURE NEVER TRULY SATISFIES. Physician and addiction specialist Gabor Maté says, "The reason we do anything one more time is because the last time didn’t really satisfy us deeply."
If we constantly seek things outside ourselves to satisfy our yearning for relief, we will never find relief. Gabor Maté wrote a book called In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction and it’s by far the most helpful book I’ve ever read about addiction. He sums up what I’m trying to say here with this quote: “The sparser the innate joy that springs from being alive, the more fervently we seek joy’s pale substitute, pleasure.” We will continue to obsessively seek pleasure until we find real joy within. We will continue to numb and distract ourselves in an attempt to escape reality until we can come to terms with and accept reality as it is. Resisting reality has never worked for us and will never work for us. We must accept the world as it is and accept ourselves as we are in order to find any kind of peace in this life. We’re not perfect and the world isn’t perfect, but numbing ourselves from this reality will never work for us in the long run.
The answer? Confronting your pain to work towards healing and joy
I want to end by saying your addiction is no better than anyone else’s and your pain is no less significant than anyone else’s. The person struggling with a heroin addiction is no better or worse of a person than the person struggling with a sexual addiction or a food addiction or a shopping addiction. We all have pain and we all deal with pain the best way we know how. What we choose to numb the pain with is largely a product of our environment. If you had drugs in your environment growing up and that’s what you found pleasurable, you will likely turn to drugs for comfort and relief now as this is how you learned to cope with your pain and discomfort. Maybe you didn’t have drugs… maybe it was food or money or video games or television that was at your disposal. Whatever pain relief is available to us is the pain relief we will choose. Some of our addictions have greater stigma and consequences because society has decided they are inherently wrong (esp. drugs) and some of our addictions seem inconsequential (work, exercise, food) because they are glorified in our society. Regardless of how society views your addiction, if you can recognize that you’re numbing and distracting yourself from pain and discomfort, you must take a serious look within to figure out what’s causing your pain if you ever want to find true healing and inner peace.
In Lexington KY and think you’d be a good candidate for addiction therapy?
Contact me today to inquire about scheduling an appointment to process through your pain and work towards healing!