How To Stop Fighting (So Much) With Your Partner : Relationship Therapy

Why We Fight

Fights between couples are inevitable; they’re going to happen. The closer we get to people, the greater the expectations we have for them. Which also means the greater the opportunities for them to let us down. In our current culture, we depend on our partner to meet most of our needs (physical, emotional, intellectual, spiritual, etc.) in a very similar way to how we depended on our parents to meet most of our needs when we were younger. That attachment/bond/dependence is strong and any hint of a rupture to that attachment is jarring. We get emotional when we perceive the attachment bond to be threatened in any way because it’s incredibly important to us. If we didn’t care about our partner, we probably wouldn’t waste our emotional energy on them.

Fighting To Combat Disconnection

Just as with our parents, we want our partners to answer three big questions for us with an emphatic yes. These questions help us feel secure in our connection to our partner. If they don’t answer these questions with an emphatic yes, we doubt our connection to them and we feel insecure in the relationship.

These questions are:

1.    Are you there for me? 

2.    Can I count on you?

3.    Do I matter to you?

When we perceive any hint of a no or a maybe not, we respond in the way we learned to respond in our childhood to perceived threats to our attachment bonds. This usually looks one of two ways: a protest or a retreat. Which means you either have two partners protesting, two partners retreating, or one partner protesting and one partner retreating.

How We Fight

Two Protestors 

Partner 1: “I have to stay late at work tonight.”

Partner 2: “Again?!”

Partner 1: “Well, someone has to make money!”

Partner 2: “You’re the one who wanted me to stay home to watch the kids!”

Partner 1: “Well, you’re the one who wanted to have kids in the first place!”…

One partner protests because they don’t feel connected and they don’t know how to ask for what they need to reconnect. The other protests back because they feel attacked and if they hadn’t already felt disconnected, they definitely do now. And on and on it goes.

Two Retreaters

Partner 1 inner dialogue: “My partner is going to be so disappointed in me for staying late at work again, I better just avoid them tonight.”

Partner 2 inner dialogue: “My partner must stay at work so late to avoid spending time with me, I guess I’ll just figure things out around here on my own so I don’t burden them further.”

The disconnection scares us, but we don’t believe there’s a point in protesting it because of the stories we have in our heads about how our partner feels about us. Our partner’s retreat causes us to believe our partner does not care about us and then we retreat out of fear. Our retreat causes the other to further retreat and then we’re more disconnected than we could ever imagine.

One Protestor And One Retreater

Partner 1: “I have to work another late night tonight.”

Partner 2: “Do you have any idea how much stress that puts on me?!”

Partner 1: “I’ll be home as soon as I can.”

Partner 2: “You just never think about how your actions affect me!”

Partner 1: *Comes home with feelings of inadequacy and quietly tries to avoid angry partner*

One partner is feeling overwhelmed and can’t communicate what they need to their partner without intense emotion, the other partner gets overwhelmed by the intense emotion and retreats to a safe place, their retreat causes the protestor to feel even more disconnected, which causes them to protest even more and round and round we go.

How do you respond to a perceived rupture in your attachment bond?

Do you find yourself protesting or retreating? Do you see you and your partner in any of these scenarios? Do you want to know how to step out of the cycle that further exacerbates the disconnection so that you can repair the connection in a loving way?

How to step out of these cycles of disconnection:

Vulnerability! Yes, it sounds too simple to be true, but I really do believe it’s the answer. The only way to step out of one of these nasty cycles is to communicate your needs in a way that isn’t going to trigger your partner in the way you always trigger them. You have to choose to admit that you feel disconnected and scared.

Examples of how this may look:

“When you work late, I feel super overwhelmed by the kids and I don’t feel supported by you. I’m wondering if there’s a way we can resolve this.”

“When you don’t spend time with me when you get home, I feel you don’t care about me. I want to feel closer to you.”

“When you criticize me, it makes me feel like I’m a disappointment to you and causes me to want to move away from you. I want to be close but it’s scary for me when you say the things you do to me.”

These kind of statements are much more likely to get a kind, compassionate response from your partner than a protest or a retreat. Don’t believe me? Try it for yourself. 

How To Online Date Successfully | 9 Tips For Better Dating Experiences

If you’ve ever tried online dating, you probably know that it can make you feel like you’re on an emotional rollercoaster. One minute you’re feeling great because you just got a sweet message from a new match and the next you’re feeling like shit because you realize you’ve definitely been ghosted by the person you went out with a few days ago. Online dating doesn’t have to be so emotional, though. It can be a really enjoyable experience that can help you get your needs/wants/desires met without making you crazy. All you need to do is approach it with an open mind and…

Get clear about what you want from online dating

There are lots of reasons why people turn to online dating. Some people online date with the intentions of finding someone to marry. Some people online date as a way to find friendly people to do fun activities with. Some people online date to find someone to fulfill physical or emotional desires. Some people are looking for a lifelong partner while others are just looking for a tennis partner. All of these reasons for online dating are wonderful and valid, but in order to be successful in finding what you want, you must get clear about what you want.

Be clear about what you want from online dating

Once you know what you want from online dating, be clear about it! If you’re just looking for someone to play tennis with, it’s perfectly okay to put in your profile “just looking for a tennis partner!” Stating what you want is always the easiest way to get what you want. Being unclear will only create more work for you because you’ll have to weed through a bunch of people that don’t even like tennis. If you state what you want and someone isn’t into it, then that person probably isn’t for you.

Don’t take things personally

It’s kind of a bummer when people don’t like tennis or don’t want to play tennis with me, but I don’t take it personally. I remind myself that they’ve probably had a bad experience with the game or they don’t feel like they’re good enough to play the game with me. I also remember that sometimes I don’t like playing tennis with certain people because they don’t feel like a very good match for me. It doesn’t mean I don’t like them, it just means I don’t want to play tennis with them. Not every person you meet up with will be able to fulfill your needs or desires. And that’s okay. It doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t like you. It may just mean that they don’t like you enough to want to spend every day for the rest of their life with you.

Have realistic expectations

If you’re looking for a tennis partner, know that not everybody who plays tennis will be a good match for you. If you’re looking for a lifelong partner, know that even less people would be a good match for you. Online dating is a process and it takes time. You must have patience.

Don’t put so much pressure on the date

Even if you’re looking for a lifelong partner, a first date is supposed to be casual! All you’re doing is getting to know another person. No reason to be nervous or stressed. If you get along, great! If not, move along. This isn’t some kind of performance or competition; it’s a human interaction.

Check in with yourself

Are you enjoying the conversation or the interaction? People are often worried about how the other person is experiencing them, but your experience matters too! If you aren’t having a wonderful time, it’s okay to leave the date early or decline another hangout.

Set boundaries

People are so afraid to set boundaries, but boundaries are wonderful! Boundaries help everyone understand where the comfort zone is and where it is not. When you set a boundary, people will either respect it or they won’t. If they don’t, leave the situation as quickly as possible because this person does not and will not respect you. If they do, your boundary worked and you can feel safe and comfortable and respected!

Be open-minded

If you’re unsure about someone after a first date, give them another shot! Some people get really nervous on first dates and it might take them a little bit to calm down and act like a normal human. Also, things you think are deal-breakers aren’t always deal-breakers. You may come around to that country accent or find a soft spot for that Chihuahua.

Own who you are and know your worth

Don’t ever hide parts of who you are to appeal to someone else. If someone isn’t accepting of you as a whole person, they don’t deserve to be in a relationship with you. You are a unique, wonderful human who deserves to be loved fully and there are people out there who will love you fully if you’ll allow them. But you have to show up to be seen. And you have to own every part of yourself (even the messy parts) to be fully loved.

Sometimes it’s hard to talk about the trials and tribulations of dating. It can feel really vulnerable to talk about feeling rejected or not deserving of love. If you need a safe space to process through these feelings, therapy is a great option! If you’re in Kentucky, schedule an appointment with me! If you’re somewhere else, watch this video on how to choose a therapist! 

The Case For Polyamory : Dispelling Myths About Open Relationships

Polyamory means ‘many loves’

Polyamory is a relationship structure that involves consensual non-monogamy. People who engage in polyamory acknowledge that it is possible to have many loves at once and that the love of one does not necessarily take away from the love of another. This counters the mono-normative culture we live in that encourages one romantic or sexual partner at a time. 

Polyamory can take many forms

I’ve talked to people who assume that all polyamorous people are super kinky or highly interested in sex, which isn’t always true and is sometimes far from the truth. Some people do choose a polyamorous relationship structure to enjoy more sexual freedom, which is wonderful, but there are other reasons people choose this structure as well. Some people find their way to polyamory through an intellectual journey that leads them to question the monogamous structure. Other people choose polyamory as a way of relieving themselves of the pressure of meeting their partner(s) needs (sexually or otherwise), especially when there is desire discrepancy or one partner identifies as asexual. 

Monogamy hasn’t always been the norm

There are a lot of theories as to why monogamy is currently the norm in our society and I believe it’s a mixture of social, political, and cultural influences. Before monogamy, there was community. You contributed to your community in whatever way you could, and in return, you got to share in the bounty of your community. If your community was thriving, so were you. If it was struggling, you were also. Things took a turn when some people decided that they wanted to pursue security over community. They realized that if they could claim property and children, they could have their own workforce profiting only them. Securing a fertile, monogamous mate could likely lead you to securing more resources for yourself as you put your children to work earning for the smaller family unit rather than the community. 

Monogamy can help us feel more secure

Since the destruction of the community, it can feel like monogamy is all we have to find security in anymore. It’s better to have one person we can partner up with and who will promise to help us out when we need it than to have none. We cling to monogamy because we need to feel like someone is on our team through thick and thin. 

Monogamy can feel like a lot of pressure 

Then there’s this weird idea in our society that the person we are romantically involved with is supposed to be everything for us. They’re supposed to meet our emotional, physical, spiritual, and intellectual needs. We shouldn’t have to go anywhere else for these things, especially not for our physical needs. But you would never expect one friend to meet all of your needs for you, would you?! You recognize that some friends stimulate you intellectually and others stimulate you emotionally and you know that it’s wonderful you have more than one friend for this reason. 

Polyamory encourages return to community 

People who are polyamorous don’t believe that there is someone out there who completes them or who is their ‘other half’; they believe that their life is enriched by exploring relationships and learning with many people. They trust that the giving of love will multiply love for everyone rather than take away love from one. They give their partners freedom to explore connections so that they can have as much joy and intimacy in their life as possible. 

Polyamory may lead to:

-more freedom in the way you love others

-more friends/lovers/support 

-less pressure to be the sole support for your partner(s)

-feeling more loved by your partner(s) as you see that they want you to be happy and feel loved even if it brings up insecurities and challenging feelings for them

-more self-reflection and challenging of the status quo as you find that a partner sharing love with another does not take away from the love that you have with them (as society has taught you to believe)

Polyamory takes a lot of work and a lot of unlearning 

Monogamy works for some people (most likely people with great support from a community). And polyamory works for other people. Both of these relationship structures have their own benefits and challenges and ultimately you are the only person that can decide what’s best for you. I am an advocate for less judgment around ‘alternative relationship structures’ as I feel we should always encourage more love in the world. Opening up a relationship requires a lot of trust and communication, so I would not recommend it to everyone. It can be hard work to challenge some of the beliefs that we have around what a relationship should look like and can be difficult to navigate the jealousy and possessiveness that can come up when practicing consensual non-monogamy. This process can be made easier by talking to other poly people about their experiences or by working with a therapist who is knowledgeable about polyamory.

Considering opening up your relationship? Or just feeling unhappy about your current relationship setup? Schedule an appointment with me to talk things out and explore the best way to proceed with your relationship.